Now where'd that "peace" run off to?

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post expressing a deep inner peace in which I had found myself encompassed. If you remember, I noted that I did not think it would, nor should, last very long. That peace that comes easy is a blessing, surely...or a glimpse, rather, of what we should be seeking ALL THE TIME, regardless of external circumstances or factors.

Well, at the time I wrote that post, I had just discovered that I was pregnant, and I was on cloud 9. I still am, in may ways...at least I'm sure that cloud is somewhere around here amidst all this exhaustion and nausea. And that's what happened. That's what knocked me off my peace horse. I am so tired ALL of the time. I wake up in the morning, and 15 minutes later I find myself wondering how much longer until nap time. And then the nausea...it comes in waves, hits at various points throughout the day, and in the middle of the night. Those mothers that have had similar symptoms in early pregnancy may relate when I say that such discomfort actually brings me comfort: the physical discomfort brings me emotional comfort that everything is working the way it should.

Regardless, I get stuck in this tunnel of muck. Its hard for me to see past the immediate condition of each day: the mess that I can't physically even begin to keep up with, the laundry that is not getting done, the dishes piling in the sink, the meals that aren't getting cooked, my husband's lunches that aren't getting pre-packed, and my children who are left to entertain themselves while I lay useless on the couch, or on the bathroom floor.

And then, there are those wonderful pregnancy emotions. I'm sure that adds to the apparent gloom I'm apt to feel. I try to remind myself this is just a phase, and before I know it I'll be back to my bubbly self delighting in the kids and their interests, and able to tend to the home. My husband, my wonderful husband, is so helpful, compassionate, understanding, and encouraging. And my kids really are doing well...the guilt is just all mine...I feel I should be doing more with them each day, like I was just 3 weeks ago. Alas, I physically cannot, and the emotional guilt sets in.

I'd like to believe that most of this is just in my head, and its not as bad as it sounds, but my oldest daughter innocently said something today that awakened me to just what its like from her side of the fence.

We had been out all day as a family, shuffling from one thing to another, when my husband, noticing my pure exhaustion and oncoming nausea, announced we'd be going out to dinner.

The kids all cheered, and the oldest said in amazement, "Really?! Again?!" (this would be the 2nd time this week).

I turned and I said to her, "Yes, we go out to eat more than usual when mommy's pregnant, nauseous, and tired, and its hard for me to cook."

Then came a response, meant compassionately, that sort of hurt, "I know mommy, and its just not easy that you have to care for THREE kids all the time."

My heart sank. I whipped around to face her in the car and said, "Oh, baby, I know mommy's been tired and sick lately, but caring for you 3 is my FAVORITE thing to do, its the best thing I've done my entire life, and I LOVE caring for you. I LOVE you SO MUCH!" (she did return a great big smile and a "I love you, too").

I know she was trying to be compassionate, but I was left feeling horrible that my children somehow got that message by my recent behavior. Have I really been lamenting THAT much about every day duties that my oldest feels that caring for them is a BURDEN?

And then my pregnancy hormones took those emotions someplace dark...someplace I knew I had to get out of fast. I could not stay down there wallowing about that, allowing myself to feel down and depressed about it. I concluded that I need to do 3 things: 1) hug my children A LOT more, and even if I don't feel well somehow let them know that they are still the most important persons in the world (even if its saying "yes" to a book), 2) forgive myself and lower my expectations of what I can reasonably accomplish during this first trimester, and 3) resolve to choose joy.

Here I am, realizing now is that time I need to rekindle that inner peace I experienced a couple weeks ago...that profound joy. Perhaps that's why the Lord allowed me to feel it, so that I would know what I needed to seek during this time. I am always moved to hear about people facing life-threatening illnesses who announce their peace and joy even through their suffering. Next to what they face, my situation seems trivial. How can I find that peace? How can I choose it?