"Peace" is one of those things that I usually dream of, and wonder what it must be like. After all, I have 3 young children, a husband working full time AND attending graduate school, and a hopping house! But interior peace is something of a gift. It is a particular grace that I specifically prayed for recently, and though I'm not sure why the Lord deemed me worthy, alas the grace of peace is abounding. The last few days I have felt this wonderful interior peace, the kind that doesn't disturb easily because its rooted in the right place. The kind of peace that comes from knowing that most of my "stress" is about things that really don't matter in the great scheme of eternity. And yes, they are legitimate human stresses.
Money...huge human stress. Bills. Oh yes, you all know what I'm talking about, especially any of you who know what's it like to receive an onslaught of medical bills for months in a row. Marriage...has its moments. Parenting...has its moments. Daily chores and housekeeping...I hesitate to even go there. Social stresses, such as trying to decide which homeschool group to integrate further into, and what the Lord's will is for us in that regard.
I can't really explain what it is, if I have to narrow it down to how I feel so at peace amidst all this. But I believe that is because there is no human explanation except that God is amazing, and there are times of separation (where its hard to know if He's even there- those times that really test your faith), and times of fulfillment. And that God, in His immense goodness, never refuses to give us something that He determines is good for us.
I don't think there is anything particularly "right" I did to get here. Nor do I think it will, or should, last very long. All I know is that right now, in this present moment (days, really), I feel SO at peace. And that translates into a better demeanor toward my husband and children, and a better attitude and ability to accomplish whatever housework I can (in all honesty, being honest with myself about what I can accomplish without being lazy or going over the top). This balance I know comes from Christ. My circumstances haven't changed, I just have the grace to face them better.
We've had a wonderful few days. The rhythm of our activities have been smooth and pleasurable. I have kept up with my responsibilities in the home (without going over the top- I'm not trying to fool anyone- I do NOT have sparkly floors and ALL the laundry done, but I have done a few loads, and managed to keep the kitchen sink empty and clean- this is a huge accomplishment for me). I have also thoroughly enjoyed every moment with my children! Are they perfect? No. Am I? Certainly not. But whatever comes our way, I've been able to face it peacefully, becoming stern (though not angry) when necessary, humble when I'm wrong, and patient when its needed most. And the gentleness has come so naturally. Energy, too...I've been able to accomplish more than I thought I could in a day.
And my marriage...well, I learned something last weekend in Spiritual Direction with a wonderful priest whom we were blessed to have over for dinner. He gave me some excellent points to meditate on. Points that are hard not to share...perhaps I'll share more another time. For now, since I know my husband reads this, lets keep it a mystery so I can continue to work on it.
And you know what? I just realized that all of this has to be a fruit of my virtue for this year. I attend an annual Spiritual Exercises retreat, during which I craft a "program of life." You identify your root sin and then year after year you choose a virtue with means for attaining it that will, year by year, gradually take the edge off my root sin. Anyhow, without turning this into a Confessional, I can say that my virtue for this year is "Simplicity." The definition of simplicity as a Christian virtue is: rely on God for everything, answers are simple (yes/no), conduct is simple, lean on God for everything, fear nothing because you know God is there.
I have struggled with this one. I tend to allow the passion to get the best of me in moments of challenge, and I am horrible at maintaining that eternal perspective. But for whatever reason, the Lord has blessed me with the grace to know what true simplicity is like (and that inner peace that comes from it). I am humbled by this gift of peace, and grateful for it. I pray that I can use it to His glory in some way. But I also have no doubt that soon the plug will be pulled, and I will, in the true spirit of spiritual growth, once again be challenged to pursue the virtue even when I don't feel it, and even when its hardest. Perhaps the Lord allowed me to feel the peace so that I know better exactly what to pursue? I don't know...but I'm grateful nonetheless, as I will also be grateful when the "easy" part is over and its time to work at the virtue more intensely. Another opportunity to rely on the Lord!
God is good...so good.
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