I have several posts brewing, but cannot post them until after the weekend;)
In the meantime, I thought I'd share what I'm reading right now:
1) The Life of Mary, as Seen by the Mystics- this is an excellent look into what very well could have been the life of Mary. It is "allowed" by the Catholic Church to believe it, since none of it contradicts what we know to be truth, but it is not required doctrine. Personally, I'm enjoying using it as a springboard for my meditation this last week of Advent, especially the chapters about the Annunciation, Visitation, the Life of Mary and Joseph in Nazareth, the journey to Bethlehem, the Nativity, the adoration of the Magi, etc., etc. Very enlightening, and the verbage and imagery is deepening my relationship with the Blessed Mother.
2) Ina May's Guide to Childbirth- this is an excellent read for any childbearing woman! I very very highly recommend it if you haven't read it. Just sort of look past the author's personal lifestyle (which is somewhat hippie) and see the good and beauty that this very established, respected, and experienced midwife has to pass on to use readers! Her birth statistics are better than any Dr. I could write so much more here, but I'll be brief. She describes the direct relation between fear and pain or stalled labor, and how a laboring woman needs to be free of fear! She presents the truth about what happens in hospitals in an informative way, to allow the reader to come to their own conclusions- and even lays out what one should look for in an OB, should that be what one chooses, or a midwife. The facts she elaborates on are revealing. More people should read this book, and let the facts speak for themselves. This book has been nothing but a confirmation to me of how Satan is out to attack a woman's body in so many ways: 1st through the horrors of contraception, then through the unnecessary interventions that befall so many unknowing women, endangering their lives, the lives of their baby, and putting at risk their future ability to bare children.
3) Hypnobirthing, the Mongan Method- just refreshing my mind and beginning to practice my techniques for my own upcoming birth!
4) Natural Family Planning- the Complete Approach- by John and Sheila Kipley. I am reviewing and re-educating myself as to this beautiful method so that I can provide information and support to a group of women to whom I've been asked to do so. I am also refreshing my memory as to the Billings Method (I have learned and practiced both in my day).
That's about it...for now! I have a stack of doula books awaiting my perusal (yes, I am learning about birth- for fun...its a personal passion. Who knows, maybe the Lord will use it someday, maybe He won't...for now, I'm storing up experiences and learning opportunities. Gotta keep my mind sharp somehow!).
I should mention that pretty much ALL of my reading happens with a flashlight in hand as I sit near my 19 month old and await sleep to overcome her.
Will post a special post Christmas night!:)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Preparing our home for a Special Guest
I love Advent! True it is a time of penance and sacrifice. For me each year Advent carries with it an opportunity to focus more intently on preparing my soul for Jesus, and I find the spirit and focus of penance and sacrifice that much more fulfilling. As I "clean house," removing the bits of dust and dirt from the corners of my soul, I find that I am also doing the same for our home, which is after all like the soul of the family (the "Domestic Church").
And so, in preparation for a very special guest's arrival on December 25th, we clean, we dust, we organize, and we decorate. In the spirit of Gaudete Sunday (celebrated yesterday) we rejoice at the looming coming of Jesus! For us, decorating our house and tree during advent help build this focus for us. We excitedly prepare our home in a very special way, just as we are busy preparing our souls. For us, Advent is characterized by plenty of prayer and service, but also by periodic occasions of decorating and arranging our home. On the 1st Sunday of Advent, we pull out the house decorations (we call them "Advent decorations"). Around the 3rd week, we purchase, trim, and decorate our Christmas tree, and as Christmas nears, we tidy, organize, wrap, and reflect on the meaning of the coming birthday party.
Tonight we will decorate our tree. We find that "Gaudete" week is a joyous time to practice this tradition. Decorating our tree as a family during Advent, with music and candles surrounding us, builds our excitement all the more for Christmas, and propels us even more intently to make the most of these last 2 weeks of Advent and prepare our souls well! Tonight we will do a special blessing of the tree as well, to draw our focus even more inward and bring the greater purpose of our merriment to the forefront of our minds. For us, it is a good "mid-Advent" re-focusing in a way.
Coincidentally, we will also celebrate the feast of St. Lucy tonight, since my husband will be away tomorrow and this is the first year we choose to celebrate this feast in light of our daughter, named for St. Lucy. We find it particularly significant that we will celebrate St. Lucy, the bearer of Light, on the same night we will light our Christmas tree. Seems more than coincidental! St. Lucy will light up our home tonight, bringing our focus even more intently on preparing our home to be a special resting place for Jesus, significantly related to how we at the same time are preparing our souls, our inner home, to be a resting place for the Lord.
Its as if our decorating and preparing of our actual house is an outward expression of what is going on inwardly. As we clean our home, we clean our souls through Confession and examination of conscience. As we adorn our tree, we adorn our souls with more focused expressions of prayer and added devotions. As we light up our tree, we ask the Lord to inflame our souls with his Light so we may more clearly see our faults and more willingly keep our eyes focused forward on the Light.
Wishing you all a blessed and focused remainder of Advent!
And so, in preparation for a very special guest's arrival on December 25th, we clean, we dust, we organize, and we decorate. In the spirit of Gaudete Sunday (celebrated yesterday) we rejoice at the looming coming of Jesus! For us, decorating our house and tree during advent help build this focus for us. We excitedly prepare our home in a very special way, just as we are busy preparing our souls. For us, Advent is characterized by plenty of prayer and service, but also by periodic occasions of decorating and arranging our home. On the 1st Sunday of Advent, we pull out the house decorations (we call them "Advent decorations"). Around the 3rd week, we purchase, trim, and decorate our Christmas tree, and as Christmas nears, we tidy, organize, wrap, and reflect on the meaning of the coming birthday party.
Tonight we will decorate our tree. We find that "Gaudete" week is a joyous time to practice this tradition. Decorating our tree as a family during Advent, with music and candles surrounding us, builds our excitement all the more for Christmas, and propels us even more intently to make the most of these last 2 weeks of Advent and prepare our souls well! Tonight we will do a special blessing of the tree as well, to draw our focus even more inward and bring the greater purpose of our merriment to the forefront of our minds. For us, it is a good "mid-Advent" re-focusing in a way.
Coincidentally, we will also celebrate the feast of St. Lucy tonight, since my husband will be away tomorrow and this is the first year we choose to celebrate this feast in light of our daughter, named for St. Lucy. We find it particularly significant that we will celebrate St. Lucy, the bearer of Light, on the same night we will light our Christmas tree. Seems more than coincidental! St. Lucy will light up our home tonight, bringing our focus even more intently on preparing our home to be a special resting place for Jesus, significantly related to how we at the same time are preparing our souls, our inner home, to be a resting place for the Lord.
Its as if our decorating and preparing of our actual house is an outward expression of what is going on inwardly. As we clean our home, we clean our souls through Confession and examination of conscience. As we adorn our tree, we adorn our souls with more focused expressions of prayer and added devotions. As we light up our tree, we ask the Lord to inflame our souls with his Light so we may more clearly see our faults and more willingly keep our eyes focused forward on the Light.
Wishing you all a blessed and focused remainder of Advent!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Prepare the Way of the Lord! Advent and Christmas traditions.
As a child, Advent carried with it the excitement of waiting for Christmas (and lets be honest, for presents and for family time). But as an adult, this liturgical season has become my most favorite. Favorite, not because of holly and ivy, or decorations and treats, but favorite because it has become a time during which I really grow spiritually. Having children and desiring to build traditions surrounding the "REAL" purpose of Advent has certainly contributed in large to this sudden spiritual focus for my own soul. The things we have done "for the kids," have actually witnessed and formed us adults all the more!
Every year we try to take it another step further and do a little more. Taking baby steps has helped us not make big plans and then get discouraged when we can't "Do it all."
This year we:
1) Have been consistent with the lighting of our Advent Wreath, every night before dinner. There is a prayer, a lighting of the candles, and a verse of "O Come O Come Emmanuel" (which I assure you I sing horribly off key, but that's not the point). A friend just recommended that I give each of the kids bells to hold during this, and that during the prayer and the song they have to keep the bell very still and silent, and then at the part of the song when we sing "REJOICE! REJOICE!" they can ring the bells like crazy! I love this idea, and will be looking for bells this weekend. On Christmas morning, the kids come downstairs to find that the purple and pink advent candles have turned into white candles...and until Ephiphany, we light those candles each night with a special Christmas prayer and sing a song such as "Angels we have heard on high."
2) Have redoubled our effort for our family rosary as often as possible. The goal is every night, but Matt's not home every night, so sometimes I either do a rosary earlier in the day with the kids (in the car is the perfect opportunity) or we just do a decade together.
3) Each day we use the Magnificat Catholic Advent Calendar. The kids repeat and discuss the Bible verse for the day, and get to open a window.
4) We celebrated the Feast of St Nicholas on Dec 6th, and will celebrate the feast of St Lucy on the 13th (where our daughters will dress is white with red sashes and carry bread and treats to people). Also on the feast of St Lucy we will decorate our Tree (and hope it stays alive until Epiphany!). In addition, we gave special attention and honor to Mary on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (which was yesterday).
5) On Christmas eve, the kids write letters to Baby Jesus (birthday letters), telling Him whatever they wish, but mostly telling him what they "give him" this Christmas. Then at Christmas Mass, the kids leave their letters in the manger at Church, in front of baby Jesus, which is always near the Tabernacle, and they whisper a Happy Birthday prayer to him. We've done this every year since our oldest was 2.
6) At the beginning of Advent, we sat down with the kids and read the Gospel Matthew 25:40, and the passage surrounding that, and discussed what Jesus meant by "Whatever you did for the least of my brothers, you did it to me." The kids then brainstormed ways we can live that this Advent, and we've gradually been crossing items off our list:
* To make cards for family members and friends who are either ill or may feel alone, and to mail it to them (if they live far) or bring it to them (if they live locally).
* To ask the Lord each morning to help us have a mind for kindness and self-giving in dealing and responding to each other.
* To make Christmas cards for the elderly sisters in the Infirmary and bring it to them on Christmas Eve, singing songs for them.
* To visit the Missionaries of Charity (The order that Blessed Teresa of Calcutta founded) and visit the 45 children they work with 3 days a week. (When I called the sisters actually asked us to make Christmas cookies for the children, and so we shall!).
* To make our fancy Christmas dinner as we do each year, but to bring it to someone who needs it more - and then eat something simple ourselves (I'll still make us a birthday cake for Jesus, though!). (this is in the process of planning, and we've been praying for the Lord to reveal to us who to give our meal to. There is a possibility we'll be bringing it to some single pregnant mothers, but we won't know if they will be in town until the week of Christmas
Matt and I were quite amazed at what the children came up with. We merely made minor suggestions, and they took the ideas and FLEW! I think they are all attainable. And all of them have either been accomplished, or scheduled (I figure if I get it on the calendar, I'm more likely to follow through with it!).
I've enjoyed hearing from friends what they either are doing or hope to do, and I have gathered a lot of great ideas for us to add in the future. Next year I hope to add:
1) A Jesse Tree tradition
2) A cradle with a removable baby Jesus, so that we can take Jesus out until Christmas, and during Advent we can each make sacrifices and acts of kindness which we write on a tiny paper and put in the cradle to make a nice fluffy bed for baby Jesus by Christmas.
I'm less concerned about dealing with the secularization of Christmas in our culture. It is what it is...it is the culture we live in (every family throughout time has had their own challenges of the culture of their time). We do not believe in hiding from it, and we do not submit to it, either. We find that when we (as a family) focus enough on the real reason for Advent (preparing our souls) and the real reason for Christmas (rejoicing for Christ), that we don't have to worry so much about our kids being consumed by the secular idea of Christmas (which of course is the pretend Santa in the North Pole and presents).
This is a sensitive issue for many families. My philosophy is "don't mess with people and their traditions!" I pass absolutely NO judgment on good Christian families who celebrate Santa to the max, nor do I pass judgment on families who choose to avoid anything and everything about "Santa." I have seen families who celebrate Santa to the max do so in a spirit of "letting their kids be kids" and those same kids grow up undamaged and faithful. I have also seen families do the opposite, and there is good to that as well! The Lord can use many different ways of drawing us close to him. Its interesting to note (I read recently) that a couple hundred years ago hardly anyone in our country celebrated Christmas. It was only when the invention of the secular Santa Claus came into play that Christmas became an excited holiday season for thousands (who previously didn't pay it much mind). I do not resent this at all. I see the good in it: sometimes secular traditions can pave the way for more people to discover the real reason for the season. After all, God can bring goodness out of anything!
For us, we simply have found through prayer what works for us (at least we think we have), and we live it. We have decided that we don't want to hide from our culture. After all, our kids have to grow up in our culture and know how to relate and respond to it so they can impact it for good. We do talk to them about things they might hear, and that its okay to pretend (kids do love to pretend, and we just make sure they know its okay to pretend as long as we understand its all in anticipation and excitement of Jesus' birth!..we don't get any more specific than just that). We have told them that the Spirit of St. Nicholas is very real and inflames our souls with the spirit of generosity at Christmas, all for the glory of the Christ child. We haven't specifically told them that WE are the ones who leave gifts in the stocking or presents out on Christmas morning, we just haven't made a big deal about it. Sometimes our oldest asks, "So...how exactly DO the gifts get in our stocking?," to which I respond, "hmm..what do you think?" and she says "I don't know" as she happily skips away. So far, our kids, while excited for presents, do wake up Christmas morning legitimately excited that "JESUS IS BORN!" and they rush to the manger to find baby Jesus carefully placed within it.
Oh and we do have a "Magic tree elf." It is truly just a cloth elf doll, similar to the "elf on a shelf" ones you see in stores, which we tuck into the center of the tree, sitting on a branch. On Christmas eve, as we sit around our tree and read the beginning of the Gospel of Luke. Then we stare at the lit tree, reflecting on the glory of the first Christmas. Then (coincidentally, just at bed time), the tree elf will "jump around" in anticipation that Jesus is about to be born. We don't see the elf jump, we just see a branch or two of the tree shake. When the kids see the branches of the Christmas tree begin to shake, that means they have to run to bed b/c Christmas is coming, and Jesus is about to be born! I never see my kids go to bed, and fall asleep, as quickly as they do on Christmas Eve. I wonder how long this will last?:)
Take all that I've shared with a grain of salt- its just what our own family is doing this year. We are always learning, expanding our traditions, and growing in our focus on Christ (at least I pray that we are!)...and we are always open to changing as the needs of our family change. I don't believe that "we have found the true way" or ANYTHING like it. I sincerely love that families, all inherently different, can express their Christmas devotion in various ways!
May you all have a Blessed Advent season. If anyone would like to share their own Advent or Christmas traditions, I would love to read about them!
Every year we try to take it another step further and do a little more. Taking baby steps has helped us not make big plans and then get discouraged when we can't "Do it all."
This year we:
1) Have been consistent with the lighting of our Advent Wreath, every night before dinner. There is a prayer, a lighting of the candles, and a verse of "O Come O Come Emmanuel" (which I assure you I sing horribly off key, but that's not the point). A friend just recommended that I give each of the kids bells to hold during this, and that during the prayer and the song they have to keep the bell very still and silent, and then at the part of the song when we sing "REJOICE! REJOICE!" they can ring the bells like crazy! I love this idea, and will be looking for bells this weekend. On Christmas morning, the kids come downstairs to find that the purple and pink advent candles have turned into white candles...and until Ephiphany, we light those candles each night with a special Christmas prayer and sing a song such as "Angels we have heard on high."
2) Have redoubled our effort for our family rosary as often as possible. The goal is every night, but Matt's not home every night, so sometimes I either do a rosary earlier in the day with the kids (in the car is the perfect opportunity) or we just do a decade together.
3) Each day we use the Magnificat Catholic Advent Calendar. The kids repeat and discuss the Bible verse for the day, and get to open a window.
4) We celebrated the Feast of St Nicholas on Dec 6th, and will celebrate the feast of St Lucy on the 13th (where our daughters will dress is white with red sashes and carry bread and treats to people). Also on the feast of St Lucy we will decorate our Tree (and hope it stays alive until Epiphany!). In addition, we gave special attention and honor to Mary on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (which was yesterday).
5) On Christmas eve, the kids write letters to Baby Jesus (birthday letters), telling Him whatever they wish, but mostly telling him what they "give him" this Christmas. Then at Christmas Mass, the kids leave their letters in the manger at Church, in front of baby Jesus, which is always near the Tabernacle, and they whisper a Happy Birthday prayer to him. We've done this every year since our oldest was 2.
6) At the beginning of Advent, we sat down with the kids and read the Gospel Matthew 25:40, and the passage surrounding that, and discussed what Jesus meant by "Whatever you did for the least of my brothers, you did it to me." The kids then brainstormed ways we can live that this Advent, and we've gradually been crossing items off our list:
* To make cards for family members and friends who are either ill or may feel alone, and to mail it to them (if they live far) or bring it to them (if they live locally).
* To ask the Lord each morning to help us have a mind for kindness and self-giving in dealing and responding to each other.
* To make Christmas cards for the elderly sisters in the Infirmary and bring it to them on Christmas Eve, singing songs for them.
* To visit the Missionaries of Charity (The order that Blessed Teresa of Calcutta founded) and visit the 45 children they work with 3 days a week. (When I called the sisters actually asked us to make Christmas cookies for the children, and so we shall!).
* To make our fancy Christmas dinner as we do each year, but to bring it to someone who needs it more - and then eat something simple ourselves (I'll still make us a birthday cake for Jesus, though!). (this is in the process of planning, and we've been praying for the Lord to reveal to us who to give our meal to. There is a possibility we'll be bringing it to some single pregnant mothers, but we won't know if they will be in town until the week of Christmas
Matt and I were quite amazed at what the children came up with. We merely made minor suggestions, and they took the ideas and FLEW! I think they are all attainable. And all of them have either been accomplished, or scheduled (I figure if I get it on the calendar, I'm more likely to follow through with it!).
I've enjoyed hearing from friends what they either are doing or hope to do, and I have gathered a lot of great ideas for us to add in the future. Next year I hope to add:
1) A Jesse Tree tradition
2) A cradle with a removable baby Jesus, so that we can take Jesus out until Christmas, and during Advent we can each make sacrifices and acts of kindness which we write on a tiny paper and put in the cradle to make a nice fluffy bed for baby Jesus by Christmas.
I'm less concerned about dealing with the secularization of Christmas in our culture. It is what it is...it is the culture we live in (every family throughout time has had their own challenges of the culture of their time). We do not believe in hiding from it, and we do not submit to it, either. We find that when we (as a family) focus enough on the real reason for Advent (preparing our souls) and the real reason for Christmas (rejoicing for Christ), that we don't have to worry so much about our kids being consumed by the secular idea of Christmas (which of course is the pretend Santa in the North Pole and presents).
This is a sensitive issue for many families. My philosophy is "don't mess with people and their traditions!" I pass absolutely NO judgment on good Christian families who celebrate Santa to the max, nor do I pass judgment on families who choose to avoid anything and everything about "Santa." I have seen families who celebrate Santa to the max do so in a spirit of "letting their kids be kids" and those same kids grow up undamaged and faithful. I have also seen families do the opposite, and there is good to that as well! The Lord can use many different ways of drawing us close to him. Its interesting to note (I read recently) that a couple hundred years ago hardly anyone in our country celebrated Christmas. It was only when the invention of the secular Santa Claus came into play that Christmas became an excited holiday season for thousands (who previously didn't pay it much mind). I do not resent this at all. I see the good in it: sometimes secular traditions can pave the way for more people to discover the real reason for the season. After all, God can bring goodness out of anything!
For us, we simply have found through prayer what works for us (at least we think we have), and we live it. We have decided that we don't want to hide from our culture. After all, our kids have to grow up in our culture and know how to relate and respond to it so they can impact it for good. We do talk to them about things they might hear, and that its okay to pretend (kids do love to pretend, and we just make sure they know its okay to pretend as long as we understand its all in anticipation and excitement of Jesus' birth!..we don't get any more specific than just that). We have told them that the Spirit of St. Nicholas is very real and inflames our souls with the spirit of generosity at Christmas, all for the glory of the Christ child. We haven't specifically told them that WE are the ones who leave gifts in the stocking or presents out on Christmas morning, we just haven't made a big deal about it. Sometimes our oldest asks, "So...how exactly DO the gifts get in our stocking?," to which I respond, "hmm..what do you think?" and she says "I don't know" as she happily skips away. So far, our kids, while excited for presents, do wake up Christmas morning legitimately excited that "JESUS IS BORN!" and they rush to the manger to find baby Jesus carefully placed within it.
Oh and we do have a "Magic tree elf." It is truly just a cloth elf doll, similar to the "elf on a shelf" ones you see in stores, which we tuck into the center of the tree, sitting on a branch. On Christmas eve, as we sit around our tree and read the beginning of the Gospel of Luke. Then we stare at the lit tree, reflecting on the glory of the first Christmas. Then (coincidentally, just at bed time), the tree elf will "jump around" in anticipation that Jesus is about to be born. We don't see the elf jump, we just see a branch or two of the tree shake. When the kids see the branches of the Christmas tree begin to shake, that means they have to run to bed b/c Christmas is coming, and Jesus is about to be born! I never see my kids go to bed, and fall asleep, as quickly as they do on Christmas Eve. I wonder how long this will last?:)
Take all that I've shared with a grain of salt- its just what our own family is doing this year. We are always learning, expanding our traditions, and growing in our focus on Christ (at least I pray that we are!)...and we are always open to changing as the needs of our family change. I don't believe that "we have found the true way" or ANYTHING like it. I sincerely love that families, all inherently different, can express their Christmas devotion in various ways!
May you all have a Blessed Advent season. If anyone would like to share their own Advent or Christmas traditions, I would love to read about them!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The truth is...
The other day I was graced with a visit from a friend, a fellow mother with young children of her own. During the course of our conversation, this mother revealed to me that she struggles with feelings of insecurity. I listened intently to her speak. As she continued to confess her insecurities, especially around other women, I couldn't help but feel this great sense of admiration and respect for this mother standing before me.
Because, you see, it takes a great deal of courage, self-awareness, and self-confidence to admit when you feel insecure. The truth is: we are all insecure in some way, shape, or form. We just don't all admit it.
I related directly to what this dear friend was saying. And what I admired even more was that she verbally recognized that the solution to her insecurity was to grow in her security of Christ.
After our time of mother-visit was over, I found myself reflecting on my own "insecurities," and how they have changed over the years. And I found myself meditating on how the closer Christ calls me to Himself, and the more I give myself to Him, the more secure I have become...relying less on exterior validations for my worth, and putting less weight on what people think of me, and more weight on how well I live the Kingdom (that is to say, how well I live Christ to others). In looking back on my life, I discovered an interesting, albeit not surprising, correlation: the times in my life that I've actively sought a deeper relationship with the Lord are directly correlated to the times in my life when I've been able to carry out my mission and my vocation in the world with greater confidence!
Gradually, over time, the Lord is chipping away (okay, chizeling away) at my insecurities and teaching me that to live closer to Him and to follow Him is the only place to find fulfillment. Don't get me wrong, I am so very far from perfect, and I fall...often...flat on my face. But it was fruitful for me to spend some time reflecting on this correlation. Jesus, I beg of you to continue to teach this to me. How often I forget it!
Each year I have the grace of attending a Spiritual Exercises retreat (yes, it is silent- those that know me, can you imagine me silent for 4 days?). The last night of the retreat, there is a Holy Hour (where the Jesus Christ Truly Present in the Holy Eucharist is then left exposed overnight for all to adore). During this Holy Hour, all retreatants pray this prayer a loud:
The Litany of Humility
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930),
Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X
It is always a powerful experience. How difficult many of those lines are to say! But perhaps...just perhaps...it is in response to this prayer that the Lord has given me many opportunities to overcome my vanity, henceforth gradually molding me (ever so gradually, because I am SLOW!) to Him. Like stone. Christ is truly the ultimate security. He does not promise a life free of trial or an easy road. Rather, he promises crosses, hardships, sacrifices, and potentially martyrdom. This is the security we Christians, by our Baptism, are destined (and responsible) to actively seek. How different this is from a worldly definition of security, that conveys a message of fame, fortune, and popularity.
Somebody recently commented to me how good I am at organizing things. This same person went on to say how confident and outgoing I am. Oh if they only knew me, imperfect me, at my root, they would know that these good qualities are not I, but Christ who lives in me. I try to explain that, but this person did not believe that I ever could have been any different. I tell you I was...and I am. But over time, the more I willingly give myself to Christ, the more He changes me. I know that I have learned to accomplish tasks set before me only because I have learned (and am constantly learning) to be rooted in Christ first, and to seek not my own approval, but to more effectively serve all souls I meet, especially those under my own roof. No apostolate (including that of serving my family) can ever be fruitful if it is not fueled by the power of prayer and sacrifice! I've also learned that the hard way. Sometimes I still forget it. Also, it is good to remember that my definition of an apostolic work being fruitful may not be the Lord's definition of it. All I can do is offer Him my best efforts, and He can turn them into gold as He sees fit.
I am grateful to this mother for her witness of humility and of courage (for it takes great courage to be humble!) in recognizing her weakness without the Lord. This woman figured out in no time what has taken me years to even begin to understand.
Because, you see, it takes a great deal of courage, self-awareness, and self-confidence to admit when you feel insecure. The truth is: we are all insecure in some way, shape, or form. We just don't all admit it.
I related directly to what this dear friend was saying. And what I admired even more was that she verbally recognized that the solution to her insecurity was to grow in her security of Christ.
After our time of mother-visit was over, I found myself reflecting on my own "insecurities," and how they have changed over the years. And I found myself meditating on how the closer Christ calls me to Himself, and the more I give myself to Him, the more secure I have become...relying less on exterior validations for my worth, and putting less weight on what people think of me, and more weight on how well I live the Kingdom (that is to say, how well I live Christ to others). In looking back on my life, I discovered an interesting, albeit not surprising, correlation: the times in my life that I've actively sought a deeper relationship with the Lord are directly correlated to the times in my life when I've been able to carry out my mission and my vocation in the world with greater confidence!
Gradually, over time, the Lord is chipping away (okay, chizeling away) at my insecurities and teaching me that to live closer to Him and to follow Him is the only place to find fulfillment. Don't get me wrong, I am so very far from perfect, and I fall...often...flat on my face. But it was fruitful for me to spend some time reflecting on this correlation. Jesus, I beg of you to continue to teach this to me. How often I forget it!
Each year I have the grace of attending a Spiritual Exercises retreat (yes, it is silent- those that know me, can you imagine me silent for 4 days?). The last night of the retreat, there is a Holy Hour (where the Jesus Christ Truly Present in the Holy Eucharist is then left exposed overnight for all to adore). During this Holy Hour, all retreatants pray this prayer a loud:
The Litany of Humility
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930),
Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X
It is always a powerful experience. How difficult many of those lines are to say! But perhaps...just perhaps...it is in response to this prayer that the Lord has given me many opportunities to overcome my vanity, henceforth gradually molding me (ever so gradually, because I am SLOW!) to Him. Like stone. Christ is truly the ultimate security. He does not promise a life free of trial or an easy road. Rather, he promises crosses, hardships, sacrifices, and potentially martyrdom. This is the security we Christians, by our Baptism, are destined (and responsible) to actively seek. How different this is from a worldly definition of security, that conveys a message of fame, fortune, and popularity.
Somebody recently commented to me how good I am at organizing things. This same person went on to say how confident and outgoing I am. Oh if they only knew me, imperfect me, at my root, they would know that these good qualities are not I, but Christ who lives in me. I try to explain that, but this person did not believe that I ever could have been any different. I tell you I was...and I am. But over time, the more I willingly give myself to Christ, the more He changes me. I know that I have learned to accomplish tasks set before me only because I have learned (and am constantly learning) to be rooted in Christ first, and to seek not my own approval, but to more effectively serve all souls I meet, especially those under my own roof. No apostolate (including that of serving my family) can ever be fruitful if it is not fueled by the power of prayer and sacrifice! I've also learned that the hard way. Sometimes I still forget it. Also, it is good to remember that my definition of an apostolic work being fruitful may not be the Lord's definition of it. All I can do is offer Him my best efforts, and He can turn them into gold as He sees fit.
I am grateful to this mother for her witness of humility and of courage (for it takes great courage to be humble!) in recognizing her weakness without the Lord. This woman figured out in no time what has taken me years to even begin to understand.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
The Latest Disease to Strike Us: Social Media
It is hard to believe it has been over 2 months since I last posted. What can I say- life with my 3 little ones is just so wonderful I couldn't bare to miss a moment, even to step away and blog. Right now they are all 3 happily watching Thanksgiving Day football with their Daddy, and I am relaxing my full Thanksgiving stomach!
I have posted before concerning the matter of Facebook not truly connecting people, and I made the argument that it is actually driving them (all of us) apart, as a human race. This post is along those lines, but doesn't just pertain to Facebook, rather to the matter of personal attention.
Can you think of the last time someone, a stranger or a friend, truly looked you in the eyes when you spoke, or when they spoke to you. Can you recall how it made you feel? I'm going to venture a say that it more than likely made you feel important, like you mattered to them. People are starving for personal attention these days! How rare it really is, with all the noise and busyness of our modern lives. My personal theory is that our society's obsession with social media is largely to blame.
My husband often comments about how difficult it has become to get to know people at a large company. The opportunities for meeting other people used to be on the way into or out of work, or even in the elevator. But over time, my husband has noticed people becoming more and more uncomfortable with actually socializing (that is, with any socializing that is NOT online). Every morning, he enters the elevator at work to ride 7 stories up with a bunch of people who are ALL staring at their i-phones. They can't even look up to say "good morning." My husband has made it his personal mission to try to break this habit, and so makes an effort to greet everyone who walks into the elevator. But those whom he addresses either look at him like he's crazy, or they don't look at him at all and mumble, "mornin" whilst they quickly and awkwardly pull their phones out of their pockets and begin to text or search...lest they be subject to small talk (God forbid!).
I have assured my husband it is not just him they are avoiding. I encounter this myself...and I observe it happening all over- in all walks of life. Just recently, I had gone to a gathering where I was looking forward to getting to know some other mothers a little better. Most of the mothers made broken conversation, but starred almost constantly at their phones, poking around, typing, and searching, whilst mumbling "uh huh, uh huh." One such mother even texted me after this event and said she really enjoyed "getting to know" me at the gathering. I had to laugh out loud when I read that! Getting to know me? I didn't feel she cared at all what I was saying. Instead, I felt only that I was intruding on her "search" time, and so I had cut my sentences short. The conversation could never truly progress because there was limited mutual conversing, and no such thing as awkward silence. You see, awkward silence is important because its in the silence that new topics have a chance to arise. But these days I see that people are absolutely terrified of awkward silence, so they escape from it by diving into their phones.
I do not think, nor do I make the assumption, that this is intentional. I do not believe that they are thinking, "I really can't stand this girl, so I'm going to ignore her by searching online on my phone." Rather, I think we as a race are becoming SO conditioned to social media, its simply TOO tempting to not pick up that phone and just check the latest facebook comments, or see if someone has emailed back. I catch myself doing this when I just HAVE to finish an email that, lets be honest, could have waited, while my kids wait and beg for me to answer them a question, or play a game, or just BE with them. Can we not just BE with people anymore?
This is the disease. And it is creeping up like an unseen tumor and growing larger and larger by the day. I wonder when it will burst?
Think about the people that have made you feel most loved, most respected, and most important. Do they listen to you? I mean really listen. Look you in the eyes kind of listen. Such people really impact me. I feel connected. I feel important. Personal attention is incredibly important if we want to save souls! At my most recent birth (birth is on my mind as I'm preparing for another one, and so this example is fresh on my mind) I was blessed with the presence of one of my midwife's apprentices, whom I barely knew at the time. She looked at me, straight in the eyes, with such compassion and understanding, and listened wholeheartedly to every single one of my fears, questions, and desires. All of my fears of feeling embarrassed or inadequate were erased, and (I realized later) I was filled up with the feeling that I mattered. That was my best birth...and I feel strongly that is why.
The ultimate example of an individual who gave personal attention to souls, and had the biggest impact on the world (ever) was Jesus Christ. Second to him was his Mother Mary (these both continue to impact the world even today).
Think of the woman at the well (John 4:1-42). Jesus gave her such personal attention that it changed her life forever. He looked her in the eyes. He lovingly listened to her, and called her out on her sin. It had such a deep impact on her that she had to run and tell the rest of the town. There are MANY other cases in the Gospel of when Jesus gave personal attention to a soul. Just look at each of his miracles. What I find particularly fruitful is to meditate and reflect on how the Lord has given ME personal attention throughout my life. He constantly comes to my level to meet me where I am, so as to raise me up. He sends me just the challenges and the perfect graces that I, myself, personally need at any given time. He is ALL about personal attention.
His mother, Mary, when hearing about her elderly cousin about to give birth, made haste to be with her and serve her (Luke 1:39-56). She traveled far and wide in her own first trimester of pregnancy, dropping everything on her personal agenda, just to be with her cousin and support her. Also, at the wedding feast of Cana (John 2:1-11), it was Mary who noticed that the newlyweds were out of wine to serve (something that back then would have greatly shamed the new couple), and so asked her son to reveal his glory by doing something about it. Personal attention, and attention to detail!
Should we not, then, follow these examples? If the Lord gives us such personalized attention, should we not then also seek to reach each person we come into contact with unconditional love and attention?
The times in my life when someone really stopped to listen, or show they cared, whether for any reason big or small, it impacted me. I want to give that to others. And I do fear that I have failed in this respect, so many times.
I think social media has made us so used to communicate WHEN we want, HOW we want, and WHAT we want...with the ability to just shut off the conversation or online chat whenever we become tired of it and then move onto the next thing (whatever that might be). Online social media can be a great and wonderful tool for evangelization and service...but it should NEVER take the place of real, authentic personal attention to another
Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but I have come to believe it is better to have a few true close friends (of a deep quality friendship), than a bunch of people who check your facebook status every now and then and call themselves your "friends?" (These same people mind you, can "de-friend" you if they get tired of you. How elementary school is THAT?). How much more it means when you give a personal phone call, instead of a "what's up" on someone's wall? (This is something else my husband lives by- he never emails in the place of a personal phone call...if he is wondering how someone is doing, he calls them. I am learning a great deal about personal attention from my husband's standards of living).
Like I said before, Facebook, or other social media, CAN (and should) be used for good; but it would do ALL of society good to keep ourselves in check.
I ask myself:
Do I overuse this method of social media or the internet?
Does it ever interfere with the needs of my children and family?
Does being online all the time make me less available to the needs of those around me?
Does social media fill the silence in my life so much so that I do not leave room for the Holy Spirit to speak to me? (after all, the Holy Spirit whispers and can only be heard in the silence).
What can I change RIGHT NOW for the better in this regard (maybe its limiting my email time, or online time).
Personally, I have a rule for myself. I do not pull my phone out when I am visiting with someone else, or when someone is visiting me. I do not glance at it when someone else is talking. Rather, I seek, and I really do desire, to look them in the eye and listen to them. This is something I am not always very good at...but I think it is a noble goal.
I have posted before concerning the matter of Facebook not truly connecting people, and I made the argument that it is actually driving them (all of us) apart, as a human race. This post is along those lines, but doesn't just pertain to Facebook, rather to the matter of personal attention.
Can you think of the last time someone, a stranger or a friend, truly looked you in the eyes when you spoke, or when they spoke to you. Can you recall how it made you feel? I'm going to venture a say that it more than likely made you feel important, like you mattered to them. People are starving for personal attention these days! How rare it really is, with all the noise and busyness of our modern lives. My personal theory is that our society's obsession with social media is largely to blame.
My husband often comments about how difficult it has become to get to know people at a large company. The opportunities for meeting other people used to be on the way into or out of work, or even in the elevator. But over time, my husband has noticed people becoming more and more uncomfortable with actually socializing (that is, with any socializing that is NOT online). Every morning, he enters the elevator at work to ride 7 stories up with a bunch of people who are ALL staring at their i-phones. They can't even look up to say "good morning." My husband has made it his personal mission to try to break this habit, and so makes an effort to greet everyone who walks into the elevator. But those whom he addresses either look at him like he's crazy, or they don't look at him at all and mumble, "mornin" whilst they quickly and awkwardly pull their phones out of their pockets and begin to text or search...lest they be subject to small talk (God forbid!).
I have assured my husband it is not just him they are avoiding. I encounter this myself...and I observe it happening all over- in all walks of life. Just recently, I had gone to a gathering where I was looking forward to getting to know some other mothers a little better. Most of the mothers made broken conversation, but starred almost constantly at their phones, poking around, typing, and searching, whilst mumbling "uh huh, uh huh." One such mother even texted me after this event and said she really enjoyed "getting to know" me at the gathering. I had to laugh out loud when I read that! Getting to know me? I didn't feel she cared at all what I was saying. Instead, I felt only that I was intruding on her "search" time, and so I had cut my sentences short. The conversation could never truly progress because there was limited mutual conversing, and no such thing as awkward silence. You see, awkward silence is important because its in the silence that new topics have a chance to arise. But these days I see that people are absolutely terrified of awkward silence, so they escape from it by diving into their phones.
I do not think, nor do I make the assumption, that this is intentional. I do not believe that they are thinking, "I really can't stand this girl, so I'm going to ignore her by searching online on my phone." Rather, I think we as a race are becoming SO conditioned to social media, its simply TOO tempting to not pick up that phone and just check the latest facebook comments, or see if someone has emailed back. I catch myself doing this when I just HAVE to finish an email that, lets be honest, could have waited, while my kids wait and beg for me to answer them a question, or play a game, or just BE with them. Can we not just BE with people anymore?
This is the disease. And it is creeping up like an unseen tumor and growing larger and larger by the day. I wonder when it will burst?
Think about the people that have made you feel most loved, most respected, and most important. Do they listen to you? I mean really listen. Look you in the eyes kind of listen. Such people really impact me. I feel connected. I feel important. Personal attention is incredibly important if we want to save souls! At my most recent birth (birth is on my mind as I'm preparing for another one, and so this example is fresh on my mind) I was blessed with the presence of one of my midwife's apprentices, whom I barely knew at the time. She looked at me, straight in the eyes, with such compassion and understanding, and listened wholeheartedly to every single one of my fears, questions, and desires. All of my fears of feeling embarrassed or inadequate were erased, and (I realized later) I was filled up with the feeling that I mattered. That was my best birth...and I feel strongly that is why.
The ultimate example of an individual who gave personal attention to souls, and had the biggest impact on the world (ever) was Jesus Christ. Second to him was his Mother Mary (these both continue to impact the world even today).
Think of the woman at the well (John 4:1-42). Jesus gave her such personal attention that it changed her life forever. He looked her in the eyes. He lovingly listened to her, and called her out on her sin. It had such a deep impact on her that she had to run and tell the rest of the town. There are MANY other cases in the Gospel of when Jesus gave personal attention to a soul. Just look at each of his miracles. What I find particularly fruitful is to meditate and reflect on how the Lord has given ME personal attention throughout my life. He constantly comes to my level to meet me where I am, so as to raise me up. He sends me just the challenges and the perfect graces that I, myself, personally need at any given time. He is ALL about personal attention.
His mother, Mary, when hearing about her elderly cousin about to give birth, made haste to be with her and serve her (Luke 1:39-56). She traveled far and wide in her own first trimester of pregnancy, dropping everything on her personal agenda, just to be with her cousin and support her. Also, at the wedding feast of Cana (John 2:1-11), it was Mary who noticed that the newlyweds were out of wine to serve (something that back then would have greatly shamed the new couple), and so asked her son to reveal his glory by doing something about it. Personal attention, and attention to detail!
Should we not, then, follow these examples? If the Lord gives us such personalized attention, should we not then also seek to reach each person we come into contact with unconditional love and attention?
The times in my life when someone really stopped to listen, or show they cared, whether for any reason big or small, it impacted me. I want to give that to others. And I do fear that I have failed in this respect, so many times.
I think social media has made us so used to communicate WHEN we want, HOW we want, and WHAT we want...with the ability to just shut off the conversation or online chat whenever we become tired of it and then move onto the next thing (whatever that might be). Online social media can be a great and wonderful tool for evangelization and service...but it should NEVER take the place of real, authentic personal attention to another
Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but I have come to believe it is better to have a few true close friends (of a deep quality friendship), than a bunch of people who check your facebook status every now and then and call themselves your "friends?" (These same people mind you, can "de-friend" you if they get tired of you. How elementary school is THAT?). How much more it means when you give a personal phone call, instead of a "what's up" on someone's wall? (This is something else my husband lives by- he never emails in the place of a personal phone call...if he is wondering how someone is doing, he calls them. I am learning a great deal about personal attention from my husband's standards of living).
Like I said before, Facebook, or other social media, CAN (and should) be used for good; but it would do ALL of society good to keep ourselves in check.
I ask myself:
Do I overuse this method of social media or the internet?
Does it ever interfere with the needs of my children and family?
Does being online all the time make me less available to the needs of those around me?
Does social media fill the silence in my life so much so that I do not leave room for the Holy Spirit to speak to me? (after all, the Holy Spirit whispers and can only be heard in the silence).
What can I change RIGHT NOW for the better in this regard (maybe its limiting my email time, or online time).
Personally, I have a rule for myself. I do not pull my phone out when I am visiting with someone else, or when someone is visiting me. I do not glance at it when someone else is talking. Rather, I seek, and I really do desire, to look them in the eye and listen to them. This is something I am not always very good at...but I think it is a noble goal.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Give kids A LOT of free time to foster creativity
I think this mom hacked into my brain and discovered all my thoughts about children and school. I couldn't have said this better myself.
My "role" in all of this is to set up an environment that fosters and encourages creativity. A whole library of books, plenty of arts and craft supplies, wooden toys (that don't make noise and don't have batteries- these stifle creativity!), outside time, and room to breath!
I appreciate when she says that yes, children should learn to listen, complete a task, and focus on work...but our society's schooling mentality has come to believe that this is accomplished by forcing them into an over-scheduled and very tight box of living. Oddly enough, when left the room to create and truly LIVE, and when in a loving home environment that values virtue, children do learn these things.
But what do I know...my kids are 5 and under. This woman, however...she has 4 grown kids...she speaks from experience!
My "role" in all of this is to set up an environment that fosters and encourages creativity. A whole library of books, plenty of arts and craft supplies, wooden toys (that don't make noise and don't have batteries- these stifle creativity!), outside time, and room to breath!
I appreciate when she says that yes, children should learn to listen, complete a task, and focus on work...but our society's schooling mentality has come to believe that this is accomplished by forcing them into an over-scheduled and very tight box of living. Oddly enough, when left the room to create and truly LIVE, and when in a loving home environment that values virtue, children do learn these things.
But what do I know...my kids are 5 and under. This woman, however...she has 4 grown kids...she speaks from experience!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Now where'd that "peace" run off to?
A couple weeks ago I wrote a post expressing a deep inner peace in which I had found myself encompassed. If you remember, I noted that I did not think it would, nor should, last very long. That peace that comes easy is a blessing, surely...or a glimpse, rather, of what we should be seeking ALL THE TIME, regardless of external circumstances or factors.
Well, at the time I wrote that post, I had just discovered that I was pregnant, and I was on cloud 9. I still am, in may ways...at least I'm sure that cloud is somewhere around here amidst all this exhaustion and nausea. And that's what happened. That's what knocked me off my peace horse. I am so tired ALL of the time. I wake up in the morning, and 15 minutes later I find myself wondering how much longer until nap time. And then the nausea...it comes in waves, hits at various points throughout the day, and in the middle of the night. Those mothers that have had similar symptoms in early pregnancy may relate when I say that such discomfort actually brings me comfort: the physical discomfort brings me emotional comfort that everything is working the way it should.
Regardless, I get stuck in this tunnel of muck. Its hard for me to see past the immediate condition of each day: the mess that I can't physically even begin to keep up with, the laundry that is not getting done, the dishes piling in the sink, the meals that aren't getting cooked, my husband's lunches that aren't getting pre-packed, and my children who are left to entertain themselves while I lay useless on the couch, or on the bathroom floor.
And then, there are those wonderful pregnancy emotions. I'm sure that adds to the apparent gloom I'm apt to feel. I try to remind myself this is just a phase, and before I know it I'll be back to my bubbly self delighting in the kids and their interests, and able to tend to the home. My husband, my wonderful husband, is so helpful, compassionate, understanding, and encouraging. And my kids really are doing well...the guilt is just all mine...I feel I should be doing more with them each day, like I was just 3 weeks ago. Alas, I physically cannot, and the emotional guilt sets in.
I'd like to believe that most of this is just in my head, and its not as bad as it sounds, but my oldest daughter innocently said something today that awakened me to just what its like from her side of the fence.
We had been out all day as a family, shuffling from one thing to another, when my husband, noticing my pure exhaustion and oncoming nausea, announced we'd be going out to dinner.
The kids all cheered, and the oldest said in amazement, "Really?! Again?!" (this would be the 2nd time this week).
I turned and I said to her, "Yes, we go out to eat more than usual when mommy's pregnant, nauseous, and tired, and its hard for me to cook."
Then came a response, meant compassionately, that sort of hurt, "I know mommy, and its just not easy that you have to care for THREE kids all the time."
My heart sank. I whipped around to face her in the car and said, "Oh, baby, I know mommy's been tired and sick lately, but caring for you 3 is my FAVORITE thing to do, its the best thing I've done my entire life, and I LOVE caring for you. I LOVE you SO MUCH!" (she did return a great big smile and a "I love you, too").
I know she was trying to be compassionate, but I was left feeling horrible that my children somehow got that message by my recent behavior. Have I really been lamenting THAT much about every day duties that my oldest feels that caring for them is a BURDEN?
And then my pregnancy hormones took those emotions someplace dark...someplace I knew I had to get out of fast. I could not stay down there wallowing about that, allowing myself to feel down and depressed about it. I concluded that I need to do 3 things: 1) hug my children A LOT more, and even if I don't feel well somehow let them know that they are still the most important persons in the world (even if its saying "yes" to a book), 2) forgive myself and lower my expectations of what I can reasonably accomplish during this first trimester, and 3) resolve to choose joy.
Here I am, realizing now is that time I need to rekindle that inner peace I experienced a couple weeks ago...that profound joy. Perhaps that's why the Lord allowed me to feel it, so that I would know what I needed to seek during this time. I am always moved to hear about people facing life-threatening illnesses who announce their peace and joy even through their suffering. Next to what they face, my situation seems trivial. How can I find that peace? How can I choose it?
Well, at the time I wrote that post, I had just discovered that I was pregnant, and I was on cloud 9. I still am, in may ways...at least I'm sure that cloud is somewhere around here amidst all this exhaustion and nausea. And that's what happened. That's what knocked me off my peace horse. I am so tired ALL of the time. I wake up in the morning, and 15 minutes later I find myself wondering how much longer until nap time. And then the nausea...it comes in waves, hits at various points throughout the day, and in the middle of the night. Those mothers that have had similar symptoms in early pregnancy may relate when I say that such discomfort actually brings me comfort: the physical discomfort brings me emotional comfort that everything is working the way it should.
Regardless, I get stuck in this tunnel of muck. Its hard for me to see past the immediate condition of each day: the mess that I can't physically even begin to keep up with, the laundry that is not getting done, the dishes piling in the sink, the meals that aren't getting cooked, my husband's lunches that aren't getting pre-packed, and my children who are left to entertain themselves while I lay useless on the couch, or on the bathroom floor.
And then, there are those wonderful pregnancy emotions. I'm sure that adds to the apparent gloom I'm apt to feel. I try to remind myself this is just a phase, and before I know it I'll be back to my bubbly self delighting in the kids and their interests, and able to tend to the home. My husband, my wonderful husband, is so helpful, compassionate, understanding, and encouraging. And my kids really are doing well...the guilt is just all mine...I feel I should be doing more with them each day, like I was just 3 weeks ago. Alas, I physically cannot, and the emotional guilt sets in.
I'd like to believe that most of this is just in my head, and its not as bad as it sounds, but my oldest daughter innocently said something today that awakened me to just what its like from her side of the fence.
We had been out all day as a family, shuffling from one thing to another, when my husband, noticing my pure exhaustion and oncoming nausea, announced we'd be going out to dinner.
The kids all cheered, and the oldest said in amazement, "Really?! Again?!" (this would be the 2nd time this week).
I turned and I said to her, "Yes, we go out to eat more than usual when mommy's pregnant, nauseous, and tired, and its hard for me to cook."
Then came a response, meant compassionately, that sort of hurt, "I know mommy, and its just not easy that you have to care for THREE kids all the time."
My heart sank. I whipped around to face her in the car and said, "Oh, baby, I know mommy's been tired and sick lately, but caring for you 3 is my FAVORITE thing to do, its the best thing I've done my entire life, and I LOVE caring for you. I LOVE you SO MUCH!" (she did return a great big smile and a "I love you, too").
I know she was trying to be compassionate, but I was left feeling horrible that my children somehow got that message by my recent behavior. Have I really been lamenting THAT much about every day duties that my oldest feels that caring for them is a BURDEN?
And then my pregnancy hormones took those emotions someplace dark...someplace I knew I had to get out of fast. I could not stay down there wallowing about that, allowing myself to feel down and depressed about it. I concluded that I need to do 3 things: 1) hug my children A LOT more, and even if I don't feel well somehow let them know that they are still the most important persons in the world (even if its saying "yes" to a book), 2) forgive myself and lower my expectations of what I can reasonably accomplish during this first trimester, and 3) resolve to choose joy.
Here I am, realizing now is that time I need to rekindle that inner peace I experienced a couple weeks ago...that profound joy. Perhaps that's why the Lord allowed me to feel it, so that I would know what I needed to seek during this time. I am always moved to hear about people facing life-threatening illnesses who announce their peace and joy even through their suffering. Next to what they face, my situation seems trivial. How can I find that peace? How can I choose it?
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