Finding the Balance of Online Time: a Discipline Desperately Needed

It has been several weeks since I last posted. Gosh time flies! I have not been able to for several reasons:

1) For lent I drastically reduced my allotted online time each day. This is a habit I hope will extend far past Lent as it has been very fruitful for me, my prayer life, and my family! Not to mention the house is a little cleaner, too. I do not allow myself to get on the computer in the morning until I've spent time in prayer and unhurried meditation. I may get on just before dinner for a few minutes, but otherwise it waits until after the children go to bed and after my own night prayers are finished. If my husband is home, the computer time gets bumped even more. Keeping my computer off for most of the day has helped me to keep my priorities straight. I also find it easier to give undivided and undistracted attention to my children- to really soak up my time with them, instead of hurrying through reading them a book just so I can get back to my computer.

2) I went away for 4 days on a lovely Ignatian Spiritual Exercises (a silent retreat)...which meant I needed several days to prepare myself and my family for my departure, and about a week to recover my family who missed me while I was away.

3) Just when I thought I'd get a chance to blog, I was called as a doula for two births last week! One was on Wednesday, the other on Saturday. Both were amazing and wonderful experiences that left me praising God for the miracle of human life and of the birth process! I'm expecting another birth anytime this week. That will complete my 3 certification births, and I will be ready for the break to welcome our own bouncing baby in May. My children have loved hearing about each birth and seeing pictures of the baby whose birth I was blessed to witness.

So my online presence may have diminished, but my prayer life is stronger, my family feels cared for, my Labor Doula training is done, and my marriage has had a lot of quality nurturing time in the evenings when we're both home.

Please pray for me that I may continue to put God, and my service of Him through serving others, FIRST above online time and distractions, every day of my life!
Pray that I may learn the delicate balance of appropriate use of online time...to use it always for furthering Christ's Kingdom in some way, and never for my own personal laziness or avoidance of duties. Christ has a mission for me, my husband, and our family, and unless I arm myself with plenty of prayer and practice growing in virtue in my daily home life, I will surely fail.

If Only We All Had Such Generous Hearts...

There once was a little girl who on her 6th birthday received $7 birthday money. She unhesitatingly gave 1 of those dollars to the Lord (her tithe). Then she received a duplicate gift with a gift receipt, which her mama told her they would go together to return it and she could use the money to get something else.

So one lovely Saturday, the whole family of five, and one on the way, piled in the van to go buy paint (because this particular mama happened to be in the nesting phase of pregnancy). They brought the item to return to the superstore. Upon arriving, the birthday child hopped out of her van with her mama, her remaining $6 in hand, and the item to be returned. They entered the store, and received the worth of the item on a gift card for $19.00. Happily, the mama began to lead her daughter to the toy and game section so she could decide how to spend her birthday money, but the daughter hesitated.

Mama: "What's wrong, honey?"
6 Year old: "Um..well..I was thinking that I would give some of my money to my sister, I bet she would really like to pick something out for herself, too."

So the mama called the papa and asked him to come inside the store with the other kids. This 3 year old (almost 4) was particularly happy to discover, at the generosity of her big sister, she now had her own money with which to buy something. Mama and Papa gazed over at each other, proud of their little generous girl.

So the happy family proceeded to the toy and games section. Mama and 6 year old went off deciding how to spend the $19 gift card, while the 3 year old went with her dad to find a way to spend her $6 cash.

Mama followed the birthday girl around as the little shopper added more and more things to the pile, asking her mama to calculate the total cost to make sure it was under $19.00.

Once all the items were selected, the family met up with each other and proceeded to the check out. Each child, with their money in hand, made their purchases. The older of the two, the birthday girl, had a huge grin on her face.

They took their bags, and before the family could even get out the door, the older child called out, "Okay, everyone! Wait! Come over here to the side!" She reached into her bag, and one by one pulled out an item and handed it to each of her younger sisters. The biggest item, a plastic golf set with 3 clubs and 3 golf balls, she declared it was for all 3 sisters to share together.

She had kept nothing for herself.

Moved by her big sister's generosity, the 3 year old then declared that the item she purchased with her $6 was really for her sisters.

Mama and Papa looked at each other and about cried.

Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. (Matthew 18:3-5)


And they all went home and painted the new "Big Girl's Room" together.

The Latest Disease to Strike Us: Social Media

It is hard to believe it has been over 2 months since I last posted. What can I say- life with my 3 little ones is just so wonderful I couldn't bare to miss a moment, even to step away and blog. Right now they are all 3 happily watching Thanksgiving Day football with their Daddy, and I am relaxing my full Thanksgiving stomach!

I have posted before concerning the matter of Facebook not truly connecting people, and I made the argument that it is actually driving them (all of us) apart, as a human race. This post is along those lines, but doesn't just pertain to Facebook, rather to the matter of personal attention.

Can you think of the last time someone, a stranger or a friend, truly looked you in the eyes when you spoke, or when they spoke to you. Can you recall how it made you feel? I'm going to venture a say that it more than likely made you feel important, like you mattered to them. People are starving for personal attention these days! How rare it really is, with all the noise and busyness of our modern lives. My personal theory is that our society's obsession with social media is largely to blame.

My husband often comments about how difficult it has become to get to know people at a large company. The opportunities for meeting other people used to be on the way into or out of work, or even in the elevator. But over time, my husband has noticed people becoming more and more uncomfortable with actually socializing (that is, with any socializing that is NOT online). Every morning, he enters the elevator at work to ride 7 stories up with a bunch of people who are ALL staring at their i-phones. They can't even look up to say "good morning." My husband has made it his personal mission to try to break this habit, and so makes an effort to greet everyone who walks into the elevator. But those whom he addresses either look at him like he's crazy, or they don't look at him at all and mumble, "mornin" whilst they quickly and awkwardly pull their phones out of their pockets and begin to text or search...lest they be subject to small talk (God forbid!).

I have assured my husband it is not just him they are avoiding. I encounter this myself...and I observe it happening all over- in all walks of life. Just recently, I had gone to a gathering where I was looking forward to getting to know some other mothers a little better. Most of the mothers made broken conversation, but starred almost constantly at their phones, poking around, typing, and searching, whilst mumbling "uh huh, uh huh." One such mother even texted me after this event and said she really enjoyed "getting to know" me at the gathering. I had to laugh out loud when I read that! Getting to know me? I didn't feel she cared at all what I was saying. Instead, I felt only that I was intruding on her "search" time, and so I had cut my sentences short. The conversation could never truly progress because there was limited mutual conversing, and no such thing as awkward silence. You see, awkward silence is important because its in the silence that new topics have a chance to arise. But these days I see that people are absolutely terrified of awkward silence, so they escape from it by diving into their phones.

I do not think, nor do I make the assumption, that this is intentional. I do not believe that they are thinking, "I really can't stand this girl, so I'm going to ignore her by searching online on my phone." Rather, I think we as a race are becoming SO conditioned to social media, its simply TOO tempting to not pick up that phone and just check the latest facebook comments, or see if someone has emailed back. I catch myself doing this when I just HAVE to finish an email that, lets be honest, could have waited, while my kids wait and beg for me to answer them a question, or play a game, or just BE with them. Can we not just BE with people anymore?

This is the disease. And it is creeping up like an unseen tumor and growing larger and larger by the day. I wonder when it will burst?

Think about the people that have made you feel most loved, most respected, and most important. Do they listen to you? I mean really listen. Look you in the eyes kind of listen. Such people really impact me. I feel connected. I feel important. Personal attention is incredibly important if we want to save souls! At my most recent birth (birth is on my mind as I'm preparing for another one, and so this example is fresh on my mind) I was blessed with the presence of one of my midwife's apprentices, whom I barely knew at the time. She looked at me, straight in the eyes, with such compassion and understanding, and listened wholeheartedly to every single one of my fears, questions, and desires. All of my fears of feeling embarrassed or inadequate were erased, and (I realized later) I was filled up with the feeling that I mattered. That was my best birth...and I feel strongly that is why.

The ultimate example of an individual who gave personal attention to souls, and had the biggest impact on the world (ever) was Jesus Christ. Second to him was his Mother Mary (these both continue to impact the world even today).

Think of the woman at the well (John 4:1-42). Jesus gave her such personal attention that it changed her life forever. He looked her in the eyes. He lovingly listened to her, and called her out on her sin. It had such a deep impact on her that she had to run and tell the rest of the town. There are MANY other cases in the Gospel of when Jesus gave personal attention to a soul. Just look at each of his miracles. What I find particularly fruitful is to meditate and reflect on how the Lord has given ME personal attention throughout my life. He constantly comes to my level to meet me where I am, so as to raise me up. He sends me just the challenges and the perfect graces that I, myself, personally need at any given time. He is ALL about personal attention.

His mother, Mary, when hearing about her elderly cousin about to give birth, made haste to be with her and serve her (Luke 1:39-56). She traveled far and wide in her own first trimester of pregnancy, dropping everything on her personal agenda, just to be with her cousin and support her. Also, at the wedding feast of Cana (John 2:1-11), it was Mary who noticed that the newlyweds were out of wine to serve (something that back then would have greatly shamed the new couple), and so asked her son to reveal his glory by doing something about it. Personal attention, and attention to detail!

Should we not, then, follow these examples? If the Lord gives us such personalized attention, should we not then also seek to reach each person we come into contact with unconditional love and attention?

The times in my life when someone really stopped to listen, or show they cared, whether for any reason big or small, it impacted me. I want to give that to others. And I do fear that I have failed in this respect, so many times.

I think social media has made us so used to communicate WHEN we want, HOW we want, and WHAT we want...with the ability to just shut off the conversation or online chat whenever we become tired of it and then move onto the next thing (whatever that might be). Online social media can be a great and wonderful tool for evangelization and service...but it should NEVER take the place of real, authentic personal attention to another

Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but I have come to believe it is better to have a few true close friends (of a deep quality friendship), than a bunch of people who check your facebook status every now and then and call themselves your "friends?" (These same people mind you, can "de-friend" you if they get tired of you. How elementary school is THAT?). How much more it means when you give a personal phone call, instead of a "what's up" on someone's wall? (This is something else my husband lives by- he never emails in the place of a personal phone call...if he is wondering how someone is doing, he calls them. I am learning a great deal about personal attention from my husband's standards of living).

Like I said before, Facebook, or other social media, CAN (and should) be used for good; but it would do ALL of society good to keep ourselves in check.

I ask myself:
Do I overuse this method of social media or the internet?
Does it ever interfere with the needs of my children and family?
Does being online all the time make me less available to the needs of those around me?
Does social media fill the silence in my life so much so that I do not leave room for the Holy Spirit to speak to me? (after all, the Holy Spirit whispers and can only be heard in the silence).
What can I change RIGHT NOW for the better in this regard (maybe its limiting my email time, or online time).

Personally, I have a rule for myself. I do not pull my phone out when I am visiting with someone else, or when someone is visiting me. I do not glance at it when someone else is talking. Rather, I seek, and I really do desire, to look them in the eye and listen to them. This is something I am not always very good at...but I think it is a noble goal.

Baby News! And reflections on questions we're getting used to hearing.

We recently discovered we are pregnant with baby #4! We are thrilled at the news, and our 3 little daughters haven't stopped squealing for joy. They genuine and innocent love and appreciation for new life is refreshing, and inspiring. In a society where more than 2 or 3 kids is seen as "crazy" and "irresponsible," its nice to know we're raising children who know and understand the value of an unborn life. Such people truly are ignorant.

You know what the craziest argument against having "a lot" of kids is? "They are putting too much CO2 into the atmosphere and are using up all the oxygen." Really? See, science teaches us that trees make more oxygen! Also, did God not tell Adam and Eve to "fill the earth and subdue it?" and to "Be fruitful and multiply?" Anyway, that's just one of the absurd things I've heard, in addition to other false assumptions about so-called "over-population" (when really most of the world is NOT replacing its population).

There is absolutely nothing like experiencing a new life within you. This is a gift I treasure. And I can tell you, it doesn't get old. I am so much in love with this baby that I have yet to feel or hold, and I am left in continual awe of the creative power of the Lord. And I'm in awe of my husband. So in love with him!

As you can imagine, with 3 daughters already, and no sons, we are preparing ourselves for the numerous comments we expect to get throughout this pregnancy. Ones such as:
So you're hoping this is a boy, right?
Oh you tried again for a boy!
Oh no, if its a girl, you're POOR husband!

These are all opportunities I know to be a positive witness. But lets be honest, especially when said in front of our 3 daughters, such comments and assumptions are tiresome and can be hurtful. Hurtful, I say, because no one can understand (but us) the immense love we have for our daughters, and how we would consider it to be an honor if our vocation were to raise daughters only in this world. We would not be one bit disappointed to discover its a girl, and its hurtful to think others assume we would be disappointed. Its also hurtful to think that our kids may overhear this and wonder if we would have rather had boys instead of them. I do know that the comment of "oh, poor dad" to my husband is hurtful to him. He loves his daughters more than anything in the world, and says there is NOTHING like when they wrap their little arms around his neck and say "I love you, Daddy, very much." He has said to me that he would absolutely LOVE if we had all girls. What a man!

Would we be excited if its a boy? Absolutely! I know I'd have a lot to learn but it would be an adventure (and that little boy would be totally loved and spoiled by his three big sisters)! We will be equally thrilled if it is a girl. Truly, boy or girl, this is not what's on our mind at this time. I think people assume that all we think about is what we "want" and "prefer" since, you know, we can control our family. Rather, we are finding this news of a new pregnancy an opportunity to re-examine our call to parenthood and to look at our 3 little girls and hug them close. I know this phase of life is fleeting in the grand scheme of eternity, and I want to soak up every minute!

Other typical questions are:
So are you done after this?
How many are you going to have?

I don't mind these questions, really. I think in a society where people are used to planning their family size to an exact science these are typical questions to ask. Also, I think people are genuinely just trying to make conversation and don't mean anything personally. But I've really spent some time reflecting on this. My conclusion comes from some loving advice from a mother of 12 children. Matt had just started graduate school last January, in addition to working full time, and our baby had just started crawling. The 2 year old was having a plethera of tantrums, and the then 4 year old was...well...she's always good. But I was overwhelmed. I had a little mini-break down with some friends, all who happen to be more experienced mothers. I asked them, "If I feel overwhelmed with 3 little ones, how will I ever have 4 or 5 or 8...because we want a big family!" This one mother of 12 said something that I really needed to hear, and didn't expect to hear. She said, with wisdom that can only come from raising 12 children with God's grace:

"I don't think anyone should have as their GOAL to have a big family. Your 'goal' should be to have the number of kids you have right now...because you can't ask for tomorrow's grace today. In other words, you can't imagine having 4 or 5 kids because you don't HAVE 5 kids, and therefore the GRACE isn't there for the asking. Of course the idea seems overwhelming! You do, however, have the grace for your 3 kids. If someday, you have more, God will give you the grace for those, too."

This resonated with both of us, and this idea has influenced our outlook on the matter. We LOVE our now 4 children, and wouldn't trade them for the world. We are grateful and consider ourselves blessed by their presence in our lives. If for some reason, I don't know what...but some reason, we cannot have more children after this then we will be grateful for these 4. I learned a lot from that mother. All I can speak of is the present moment. Right now, I have 3 born children, and 1 in utero, and I ask God every day for the grace to be the mother He needs and they need me to be. Its all about one step at a time. We no longer think of any particular number of kids as our "goal." What we do have as our goal is to have the number of kids that we have RIGHT NOW. Then, in the near future, if that number increases, we would welcome it with joy trusting in God's grace and wisdom!

We also feel blessed to have the guidance of the Holy Church on matters of family planning. Contraception is not an option, sterilization neither. My husband and I love this great adventure of being collaborators with the Lord in His creation! Should we someday be called to have 10-12 kids, we would accept that mission and vocation with joy, having confidence that the Lord does not give us what we cannot handle. But that isn't our "goal." Who knows what the future holds or where the Lord will lead us! Probably, and likely, somewhere we would never expect! But should we prayerfully discern a valid reason to purposely avoid a pregnancy, the Church in her wisdom has an option for us: natural family planning (charting fertility signs and cycles for avoiding or achieving a pregnancy). We always want to do His will. This summer when my cycle returned (I enjoy 13-14 months of ammenoreah, which means no period, while ecologically breastfeeding after a birth), we talked about possibly avoiding a pregnancy for a few months. But it just didn't feel right in our hearts. We trust the Lord's guidance, and we felt excited at whatever adventure lay ahead. And here we are! So grateful for this baby, and looking forward with great anticipation to the joys and trials of adjusting to a growing family! But it was good to go through that discussion period, it drew us closer together, and made us more active participants in following the Lord's will. The funny thing is, we really didn't expect this baby...the timing just didn't seem to line up for a pregnancy...but, the Lord works in many ways, and a baby that's intended by Him is a baby that's created (when the openness to life is there).

Earlier this week I wrote about peace. I do feel so at peace. Maybe its the calm before the storm...I'll let you know:) In the meantime, please remember us in prayer! You are in mine.