Measuring Up

I wonder if it is a natural component of our humanism- that tendency to compare ourselves to others. Comparing isn't always bad, I think, if we use it as a motivation for setting reasonable goals for ourselves in areas we need to improve, and if it causes us to praise the good the Lord has done in others.

But when does comparing become a detriment to our mature self-improvement? When it gets us down. When it causes us to beat ourselves up about it. When it prevents us from doing God's will, out of fear of failure.

Humility is a true virtue: recognizing who we are before God, and the reality of what we are not capable of achieving without His help. However, humility needs to be accompanied by Hope in the Lord. We have to hope in His grace. We have to believe that for God, nothing is impossible, including what He can achieve THROUGH us, if we allow Him.

I don't think I am particularly smart in the academic sense. I got good grades in school (I even graduated Cum Laude), but looking back I think I was just good at passing the teacher and passing the test...not necessarily at assimilating and applying the "knowledge" that the education and high grades claimed to define in me. I do not find my grades that I achieved in college and the 1.5 years of graduate school courses to be a good assessment of how I really "measure up" in society. What do I have to rate myself by? The human tendency is to look at others like me, and see how well they remember, assimilate, and apply the things they learn, and how quickly they can recall intricate facts on the fly. I praise the Lord for these gifts in them, for I know He can use them well! But me? I am not good at remembering things. I can sound smart about the things I do remember...but according to my assessment I am far from being as advanced as others.

This has really been getting me down lately. You see, the Lord has very clearly asked me to study toward something. And that something requires a lot of applied knowledge. I have many doubts swarming in the back of my mind. Will I be able to adequately serve in this area? Will the knowledge and application just come to me? How will I measure up in this field? How will I fully be able to serve the souls under my care when I cannot recall important necessary facts as quickly as others can?

Yet, I know deep in my heart that if the Lord calls, He provides. I have no idea why He would call someone without all those wonderful gifts that I think are necessary for this field. And so I find myself asking, "Why me, Lord? What can I do?" Deep in the depths of my soul, I hear His answer, "Because I gave you the gift of Faith, and you trust me, and you love deeply." It is true that "Faith" seems to be my primary gift of the Holy Spirit...the Lord has made that much clear to me. But...I love? I am so imperfect at love. But loving IS something I can do. I can care for these souls with the love of Christ. And that love can fill the void of whatever details I may or may not "know." And that love can motivate me to perfect my weaknesses, knowing how it pleases the One I love.

Every year, my Regnum Christi teammates and I each draw a "patron card" that will be ours for that year. The Holy Spirit is truly at work here. Last Wednesday, with a prayer to the Holy Spirit, I drew mine. It didn't make sense to me right away (in terms of why the Holy Spirit intended that particular card for me). But typing this blog post, it suddenly makes enormous sense why the Holy Spirit selected this virtue and saint for me at this time.

At the top of the card, is the Virtue in bold print, followed by the definition, a prayer, and a quote by the accompanying patron saint for the year:

Love of God
Charity seizes our entire being, and by means of love, casts it into God. Charity makes man tend to God by uniting his affection to God in such a way that man no longer lives for himself, but for God.

Prayer: O Lord, grant that I may live my life in Your divine friendship.

"I am God's, He created me and is my beginning and my end."- Saint Teresa of the Andes. Feast day April 12th.


Yesterday, I did a little research on Saint Teresa of the Andes. I found many inspiring details about her faith and her life, the most interesting (to me) of which was probably her desire to please God in everything she did. It particularly noted that school did not come easy for her, but she threw herself into her studies because it would please God. She also sought to serve ALL souls around her, in her home, school, apostolic life, and later the convent, seeking only THEIR happiness.

Sounds pretty applicable to what I'm expressing here. I pray for an increase in Love of God this year. A love that makes me no longer live for myself, but totally and completely for God. A love that motivates my entire being, so that I can more fully accomplish the task set before me, living every aspect and all facets of my vocation to love in everything I do.