The truth is...

The other day I was graced with a visit from a friend, a fellow mother with young children of her own. During the course of our conversation, this mother revealed to me that she struggles with feelings of insecurity. I listened intently to her speak. As she continued to confess her insecurities, especially around other women, I couldn't help but feel this great sense of admiration and respect for this mother standing before me.

Because, you see, it takes a great deal of courage, self-awareness, and self-confidence to admit when you feel insecure. The truth is: we are all insecure in some way, shape, or form. We just don't all admit it.

I related directly to what this dear friend was saying. And what I admired even more was that she verbally recognized that the solution to her insecurity was to grow in her security of Christ.

After our time of mother-visit was over, I found myself reflecting on my own "insecurities," and how they have changed over the years. And I found myself meditating on how the closer Christ calls me to Himself, and the more I give myself to Him, the more secure I have become...relying less on exterior validations for my worth, and putting less weight on what people think of me, and more weight on how well I live the Kingdom (that is to say, how well I live Christ to others). In looking back on my life, I discovered an interesting, albeit not surprising, correlation: the times in my life that I've actively sought a deeper relationship with the Lord are directly correlated to the times in my life when I've been able to carry out my mission and my vocation in the world with greater confidence!

Gradually, over time, the Lord is chipping away (okay, chizeling away) at my insecurities and teaching me that to live closer to Him and to follow Him is the only place to find fulfillment. Don't get me wrong, I am so very far from perfect, and I fall...often...flat on my face. But it was fruitful for me to spend some time reflecting on this correlation. Jesus, I beg of you to continue to teach this to me. How often I forget it!

Each year I have the grace of attending a Spiritual Exercises retreat (yes, it is silent- those that know me, can you imagine me silent for 4 days?). The last night of the retreat, there is a Holy Hour (where the Jesus Christ Truly Present in the Holy Eucharist is then left exposed overnight for all to adore). During this Holy Hour, all retreatants pray this prayer a loud:

The Litany of Humility
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That, in the opinion of the world, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930),
Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

It is always a powerful experience. How difficult many of those lines are to say! But perhaps...just perhaps...it is in response to this prayer that the Lord has given me many opportunities to overcome my vanity, henceforth gradually molding me (ever so gradually, because I am SLOW!) to Him. Like stone. Christ is truly the ultimate security. He does not promise a life free of trial or an easy road. Rather, he promises crosses, hardships, sacrifices, and potentially martyrdom. This is the security we Christians, by our Baptism, are destined (and responsible) to actively seek. How different this is from a worldly definition of security, that conveys a message of fame, fortune, and popularity.

Somebody recently commented to me how good I am at organizing things. This same person went on to say how confident and outgoing I am. Oh if they only knew me, imperfect me, at my root, they would know that these good qualities are not I, but Christ who lives in me. I try to explain that, but this person did not believe that I ever could have been any different. I tell you I was...and I am. But over time, the more I willingly give myself to Christ, the more He changes me. I know that I have learned to accomplish tasks set before me only because I have learned (and am constantly learning) to be rooted in Christ first, and to seek not my own approval, but to more effectively serve all souls I meet, especially those under my own roof. No apostolate (including that of serving my family) can ever be fruitful if it is not fueled by the power of prayer and sacrifice! I've also learned that the hard way. Sometimes I still forget it. Also, it is good to remember that my definition of an apostolic work being fruitful may not be the Lord's definition of it. All I can do is offer Him my best efforts, and He can turn them into gold as He sees fit.

I am grateful to this mother for her witness of humility and of courage (for it takes great courage to be humble!) in recognizing her weakness without the Lord. This woman figured out in no time what has taken me years to even begin to understand.