With a child about to enter an open surgery, I have felt the rug has been pulled out from under me. For weeks, I have felt quite at peace with this apparent cross, until this week that is....that's when it hit. The Lord has allowed me to feel helpless, to feel fear, to lose control. And yet, I know He is near because just when all seems lost...when I feel totally overcome by my fears, alone...helpless...and I'm at that moment when I choose to surrender, and I tell Him to do with me as He wills: then, He reaches out and touches me.
How was I touched by the hand of Christ today? Because right in that moment of helplessness when I agreed to surrender to His will completely, I received an email. An amazing group of women informed me that they arranged an hour by hour prayer vigil for our family all day tomorrow. Every single hour of the day someone will be praying or sacrificing some part of that hour for our family! Not only that, but there will be Masses, Holy Hours, and personal sacrifices offered throughout the weekend. And there's more- they are bringing me meals, some from an hour away, every single day next week!
What did I ever do to deserve such supernaturally generous friends? I am touched most of all by how the Lord uses the individual members of His universal Church to be His arms to comfort and His words to encourage and guide another. And oh how grateful I am for these friends that I really don't deserve.
And so, today's lesson: only when we surrender can the Lord reveal Himself and send His graces.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Daybook- a Monday (or Sunday evening) ritual
I am wearing:
Light weight pajama pants and a plain white t-shirt on this warm Easter evening!
I am thinking:
How grateful I am that Jesus my Lord is Risen! And how nice it is to finally say ALLELUIA again! Also how blessed I am to have had a houseful of family and friends on this joyous occasion. Since moving here (away from family) almost 4 years ago, Easter Sundays have been a bit more lonely than what we had been used to. But not today! Today, my home echoed with friendly chatter, laughter, children playing, dishes clanging, and wine glasses tinkering. My parents and younger brother and sister are in town, and we had some friends over, too. Such a lovely Easter Sunday, to add to the joy of the Resurrection!
In the Kitchen:
Evidence of our wonderful Easter Feast of Roast Leg of Lamb, potatoes, asparagus, salad, and an amazing dairy-free carrot cake with...wait for it....drum roll...delicious dairy free coconut frosting that we (my mom and I) creatively improvised! I'll try to post the end-recipe later.
I am grateful for:
* That Jesus Christ conquered sin and death and the hope He therefore brings me!
* A loving husband
* The shining eyes of my 5 year old when she exclaimed "Alleluia! He is Risen!" today, and her reverence for which she bows her head to pray the rosary, as well as how beautifully she participates in the Mass.
* The squeals from my almost 3 year old every time she found an egg...you'd think she won the lottery, when really each egg had a few cents in it! Ah, the simple joys of childhood.
* an excited 5 year old feeling special after a neighborhood walk alone with her Granddad
* Our 11 month old girlie on her first Easter, and her cute chubby feet that won't fit into any Easter shoes
*Mornings at a park with a beautiful lake and a plethora of wildlife to obesrve
Toward Rhythem and Beauty:
Rhythm is pretty much going out the door for a few weeks. Grandma is in town, and so are Aunt K and Uncle T (ages 11 and 9). Then, darling daughter #2 has surgery on Friday, therefore putting any simblance of "routine" out the window for a while...but giving me plenty of good time to explore beauty around us with the kids, especially while tending to our organic gardens!
I am reading:
"The Life of Mary As Seen by the Mystics."
Its not required "Catholic" belief, but its not incompatible with it either, as the Holy Church has deemed. I find it to be enriching my personal relationship with the Blessed Mother.
I am praying:
For a smooth prep, surgery, and recovery for my sweet little girl. A couple hour surgery for a wee one is no parent's dream. And yet, I am grateful for good medical treatment for her situation. It will be a painful recovery, but God will get us through. I'll suffer it right along with her. I wish I could suffer it FOR her. My sweet baby. Here she is:
I am creating:
Space in my house! I have been accomplishing, gradually, what I call "THE BIG PURGE." Can you guess what I've been doing? SIMPLIFYING my surroundings! Ridding our house of excess "stuff." Of course, I have to do this when my loving husband can take the kids out for a few hours so they don't see me throwing things away. When they come home, they are amazed and excited at the reorganization and have no idea that anything is missing!
Precious Moments in Time:
My children with their aunt and uncle (my little brother and sister) on Easter Morning.
Our Family: Easter 2011
Light weight pajama pants and a plain white t-shirt on this warm Easter evening!
I am thinking:
How grateful I am that Jesus my Lord is Risen! And how nice it is to finally say ALLELUIA again! Also how blessed I am to have had a houseful of family and friends on this joyous occasion. Since moving here (away from family) almost 4 years ago, Easter Sundays have been a bit more lonely than what we had been used to. But not today! Today, my home echoed with friendly chatter, laughter, children playing, dishes clanging, and wine glasses tinkering. My parents and younger brother and sister are in town, and we had some friends over, too. Such a lovely Easter Sunday, to add to the joy of the Resurrection!
In the Kitchen:
Evidence of our wonderful Easter Feast of Roast Leg of Lamb, potatoes, asparagus, salad, and an amazing dairy-free carrot cake with...wait for it....drum roll...delicious dairy free coconut frosting that we (my mom and I) creatively improvised! I'll try to post the end-recipe later.
I am grateful for:
* That Jesus Christ conquered sin and death and the hope He therefore brings me!
* A loving husband
* The shining eyes of my 5 year old when she exclaimed "Alleluia! He is Risen!" today, and her reverence for which she bows her head to pray the rosary, as well as how beautifully she participates in the Mass.
* The squeals from my almost 3 year old every time she found an egg...you'd think she won the lottery, when really each egg had a few cents in it! Ah, the simple joys of childhood.
* an excited 5 year old feeling special after a neighborhood walk alone with her Granddad
* Our 11 month old girlie on her first Easter, and her cute chubby feet that won't fit into any Easter shoes
*Mornings at a park with a beautiful lake and a plethora of wildlife to obesrve
Toward Rhythem and Beauty:
Rhythm is pretty much going out the door for a few weeks. Grandma is in town, and so are Aunt K and Uncle T (ages 11 and 9). Then, darling daughter #2 has surgery on Friday, therefore putting any simblance of "routine" out the window for a while...but giving me plenty of good time to explore beauty around us with the kids, especially while tending to our organic gardens!
I am reading:
"The Life of Mary As Seen by the Mystics."
Its not required "Catholic" belief, but its not incompatible with it either, as the Holy Church has deemed. I find it to be enriching my personal relationship with the Blessed Mother.
I am praying:
For a smooth prep, surgery, and recovery for my sweet little girl. A couple hour surgery for a wee one is no parent's dream. And yet, I am grateful for good medical treatment for her situation. It will be a painful recovery, but God will get us through. I'll suffer it right along with her. I wish I could suffer it FOR her. My sweet baby. Here she is:
I am creating:
Space in my house! I have been accomplishing, gradually, what I call "THE BIG PURGE." Can you guess what I've been doing? SIMPLIFYING my surroundings! Ridding our house of excess "stuff." Of course, I have to do this when my loving husband can take the kids out for a few hours so they don't see me throwing things away. When they come home, they are amazed and excited at the reorganization and have no idea that anything is missing!
Precious Moments in Time:
My children with their aunt and uncle (my little brother and sister) on Easter Morning.
Our Family: Easter 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I hear you call my name....
How long have you waited for me, Lord? How many times have I turned a blind eye to your Holy presence as I drive past your chapel, knowing you are there, and not really having a good reason not to stop in. Oh, the excuses I come up with. But you are there...waiting for me...hoping that I will turn the wheel and visit with you, if but for a moment.
Today as we were driving on the other side of town, I passed by a Church that I know to have perpetual Adoration. I made a mental note to stop by for a visit on our way home, as we would be returning by the same route. How many times have I made such mental notes? Many. How many times have I followed through? I'm too embarrassed to say. But today, Lord. Today was different. We left our activity on time (on time to avoid an impending rain shower). On the way home, there it was...the turning lane into the Church, and there was no oncoming traffic that I would have to wait for. The kids were happy in the back. It was not raining yet. I had no excuses, and before I could give myself time to create one, I turned into the parking lot. I had no idea where the Adoration chapel was, but you guided me to you. I felt you calling me. I gave up looking for it and just choose a parking spot by a far building. Only after I parked and got all 3 kids out of the car did I see you had brought me right to your chapel. We made a visit with you. Oh, the highlight of my day! You have so much you want to give me. So many graces await. Yet you wait for me to respond to your call before you can shower them upon me. That one little stop today changed me. No excuses will ever suffice.
I have heard you calling my name for a while now. Calling me to bring all of myself to you in the Blessed Sacrament. Calling me to spend only ONE short hour a week with the King of the Universe. But have I come? No. I hear my excuses echoing now. They pain me almost as much as they pain you to hear, Lord. "I need my sleep." "We need our family time." "I have young children, I can't get time away" (but have I tried?). "I have too much to do at home." "I love to stop in, but to commit to one hour every week is just too much."
TOO MUCH? Too much for you who have given EVERYTHING for ME?
Lord how I need your grace. Sustain me, Lord. Don't stop calling me. I have now signed up for my hour. I did not choose the hour. You choose it for me. It happened this way, and I accept it because I know you prescribed it. You know what I need better than I do. 5:00am on Friday mornings, Lord. In the quiet wee hours of the morning, I'll see you there, kids tucked in at home with their father, I will curl up in the lap of my Father. I cannot wait. I know it will get tough. I know I will be tempted to hit the snooze button. I know I will be tempted to get someone else to take my place. But you have chosen ME for that hour, Lord. I can only fulfill my call with your help.
Jesus, My Lord, My God, My All, sustain me with your Holy Eucharist.
Today as we were driving on the other side of town, I passed by a Church that I know to have perpetual Adoration. I made a mental note to stop by for a visit on our way home, as we would be returning by the same route. How many times have I made such mental notes? Many. How many times have I followed through? I'm too embarrassed to say. But today, Lord. Today was different. We left our activity on time (on time to avoid an impending rain shower). On the way home, there it was...the turning lane into the Church, and there was no oncoming traffic that I would have to wait for. The kids were happy in the back. It was not raining yet. I had no excuses, and before I could give myself time to create one, I turned into the parking lot. I had no idea where the Adoration chapel was, but you guided me to you. I felt you calling me. I gave up looking for it and just choose a parking spot by a far building. Only after I parked and got all 3 kids out of the car did I see you had brought me right to your chapel. We made a visit with you. Oh, the highlight of my day! You have so much you want to give me. So many graces await. Yet you wait for me to respond to your call before you can shower them upon me. That one little stop today changed me. No excuses will ever suffice.
I have heard you calling my name for a while now. Calling me to bring all of myself to you in the Blessed Sacrament. Calling me to spend only ONE short hour a week with the King of the Universe. But have I come? No. I hear my excuses echoing now. They pain me almost as much as they pain you to hear, Lord. "I need my sleep." "We need our family time." "I have young children, I can't get time away" (but have I tried?). "I have too much to do at home." "I love to stop in, but to commit to one hour every week is just too much."
TOO MUCH? Too much for you who have given EVERYTHING for ME?
Lord how I need your grace. Sustain me, Lord. Don't stop calling me. I have now signed up for my hour. I did not choose the hour. You choose it for me. It happened this way, and I accept it because I know you prescribed it. You know what I need better than I do. 5:00am on Friday mornings, Lord. In the quiet wee hours of the morning, I'll see you there, kids tucked in at home with their father, I will curl up in the lap of my Father. I cannot wait. I know it will get tough. I know I will be tempted to hit the snooze button. I know I will be tempted to get someone else to take my place. But you have chosen ME for that hour, Lord. I can only fulfill my call with your help.
Jesus, My Lord, My God, My All, sustain me with your Holy Eucharist.
Facebook: Is it Really Connecting People?
Facebook's big claim is that they "connect people." I find myself pondering, "does it? I mean, it might make your personal life public, and provide you the opportunity to snoop into everyone else's personal life...but does it really CONNECT people?"
It interesting, I read an article in Business Week the other day (now that my husband is in graduate school we receive this and the Wall Street Journal- both of which I have come to enjoy reading the educated jargon and witty exposes). The primary intention of the article I don't remember, but what struck me was its argument that Facebook's PRIMARY contribution to the evolution of mankind was the science of advertising. They use everything in your profile, everything on your 'wall,' to determine what ads *YOU* would be most likely to click on. Clever, crafty, and quite manipulative. Instead of hiring people that could really use Facebook technology to further the human race (put to good use, say, to find cures for cancer, as the article brought to question), instead, Facebook spends most of its hiring energy and salary awarding looking for people who can manipulate users into clicking on ads.
Anyhow, now that we've established that Facebook's intentions aren't quite as pure as they claim, lets examine my original question. Does it CONNECT people? Facebook provides an opportunity, indeed, to get back in touch with friends, co-workers, acquaintances from your past (it also provides the opportunity to get back in touch with old boyfriends/girlfriends, which you may have seen in some news reports is damaging to marriages- go figure). But EVERYONE is called your "friend!" What is a "friend?" Well, on Facebook, what they call a "friend" is someone who can view your profile, and you can view theirs, can post tidbits of news (or silly games like "Farmville") they want to show you, or its someone who can post bitter responses to your personal posts. A "friend" on FB can be someone you've never met. It can be someone that you have only heard of, or someone you only met once or twice. "Friend" indeed. Well, in the real world, a friend is someone you have a meaningful relationship with. Usually, it is someone you have looked in the eye and spoken with. It is someone who in some way furthers your personal formation and journey to Heaven. On Facebook, however, I feel like its high school all over again. Who says their your friend one day, is "de-friending" you the next. Also, its easy to have 100+ Facebook "friends" but none of them ever grow into real quality friends. You see, Facebook can all to easily take the place of the old fashioned phone call. The simple person to person approach. Rather, its a world where inhibitions are few. People are ever more vocal about their opinions, and "friends" are hurting each other through and through.
Before you think I'm totally anti-Facebook, let's move on. Facebook is a reality of our time. And as a Christian in this current time, I am called to use all the means at my disposal to further Christ's Kingdom! Facebook offers MANY opportunities for evangelization, and also many opportunities for a new kind of charity and restraint. Our beloved Holy Father said this exactly. But he ALSO said that we must be on guard that social networks do NOT take the place of person to person contact. Quality relationships.
All that said, I am currently NOT on Facebook. I used to be. I was for 2 years. I began under the pure intention of wanting to use it to be a witness. To evangelize. But I very quickly got SUCKED in. While I was busy "connecting" with people from my past and present on Facebook, my children sulked, the dishes didn't get done, my house suffered, and my husband endured me constantly excusing myself in our special family moments to go post about it on FB. It didn't take long for me to realize this was a very bad set up for me, and for my family. In reality, it was not connecting me to the people that matter most in my life...the ones right here in my home that I have been entrusted to care for, love, nurture, protect, and serve.
While Facebook claims to connect people, I ask...does it connect you to the little child awaiting your love and attention while you post...and post...and read your FB wall? Does it CONNECT you to quality relationships? Has any friendship on FB actual developed in the real world into a quality friendship (relying on facebook alone)? To the person who checks FB on their black berry, does it connect you to the souls around you that you forget are speaking to you, while you quickly text a response, simultaneously nodding your head as if you're listening (and I mean REALLY listening) to them (yes, I think we all have been on both sides of this scenario).
If you use Facebook, and NONE of these things apply to you, then I APPLAUD you. YOU use it correctly. I hope to be able to do that someday. But for now, I am content to call the friend I haven't spoken to in a while (instead of thinking that a FB hello substitutes really reaching out). I'm also content to know that, as my husband has calculated, since quitting Facebook last October, I have received approximately 180 HOURS of my life back! That's right, assuming I was on Facebook a collective 1 hour a day...and I was, more or less. 180 hours.
When I wanted to quit FB- they (the powers of the FB phenomenon) make it virtually impossible to quit. They flash you pictures of your friends to tempt you with words written "Are you SURE? Look at what you'll be missing?!" Then you say "YES, I AM SURE!" and they flash you some MORE, saying "are you REALLY sure?" Then, when you think you've finally succeeded in quitting, they tell you, "we'll miss you, if you miss us, all you have to do is simply sign back in and ALL your information will still be here!" Um...no. It took me an entire day to figure out how to really quite Facebook. I might be a little electronically challenged, but that is a bit ridiculous. Then, when I did finally quit, it told me I had 2 weeks to change my mind. TWO WEEKS of trying not to sign in. It was tempting. But I did it! When it was all over, what really confirmed for me that I did the right thing (FOR ME) was that my first instinct was to compose a post explaining how hard it was to quit. I had to laugh out loud! You know its bad when you want to POST on Facebook about how you QUIT Facebook. Yup, it was time for me to go.
I pray that as I deepen in my faith and as I gain more self-control regarding time spent on the internet, I will be able to more properly use modern means of evangelization. But for now, Facebook is not for me. And my family is grateful.
It interesting, I read an article in Business Week the other day (now that my husband is in graduate school we receive this and the Wall Street Journal- both of which I have come to enjoy reading the educated jargon and witty exposes). The primary intention of the article I don't remember, but what struck me was its argument that Facebook's PRIMARY contribution to the evolution of mankind was the science of advertising. They use everything in your profile, everything on your 'wall,' to determine what ads *YOU* would be most likely to click on. Clever, crafty, and quite manipulative. Instead of hiring people that could really use Facebook technology to further the human race (put to good use, say, to find cures for cancer, as the article brought to question), instead, Facebook spends most of its hiring energy and salary awarding looking for people who can manipulate users into clicking on ads.
Anyhow, now that we've established that Facebook's intentions aren't quite as pure as they claim, lets examine my original question. Does it CONNECT people? Facebook provides an opportunity, indeed, to get back in touch with friends, co-workers, acquaintances from your past (it also provides the opportunity to get back in touch with old boyfriends/girlfriends, which you may have seen in some news reports is damaging to marriages- go figure). But EVERYONE is called your "friend!" What is a "friend?" Well, on Facebook, what they call a "friend" is someone who can view your profile, and you can view theirs, can post tidbits of news (or silly games like "Farmville") they want to show you, or its someone who can post bitter responses to your personal posts. A "friend" on FB can be someone you've never met. It can be someone that you have only heard of, or someone you only met once or twice. "Friend" indeed. Well, in the real world, a friend is someone you have a meaningful relationship with. Usually, it is someone you have looked in the eye and spoken with. It is someone who in some way furthers your personal formation and journey to Heaven. On Facebook, however, I feel like its high school all over again. Who says their your friend one day, is "de-friending" you the next. Also, its easy to have 100+ Facebook "friends" but none of them ever grow into real quality friends. You see, Facebook can all to easily take the place of the old fashioned phone call. The simple person to person approach. Rather, its a world where inhibitions are few. People are ever more vocal about their opinions, and "friends" are hurting each other through and through.
Before you think I'm totally anti-Facebook, let's move on. Facebook is a reality of our time. And as a Christian in this current time, I am called to use all the means at my disposal to further Christ's Kingdom! Facebook offers MANY opportunities for evangelization, and also many opportunities for a new kind of charity and restraint. Our beloved Holy Father said this exactly. But he ALSO said that we must be on guard that social networks do NOT take the place of person to person contact. Quality relationships.
All that said, I am currently NOT on Facebook. I used to be. I was for 2 years. I began under the pure intention of wanting to use it to be a witness. To evangelize. But I very quickly got SUCKED in. While I was busy "connecting" with people from my past and present on Facebook, my children sulked, the dishes didn't get done, my house suffered, and my husband endured me constantly excusing myself in our special family moments to go post about it on FB. It didn't take long for me to realize this was a very bad set up for me, and for my family. In reality, it was not connecting me to the people that matter most in my life...the ones right here in my home that I have been entrusted to care for, love, nurture, protect, and serve.
While Facebook claims to connect people, I ask...does it connect you to the little child awaiting your love and attention while you post...and post...and read your FB wall? Does it CONNECT you to quality relationships? Has any friendship on FB actual developed in the real world into a quality friendship (relying on facebook alone)? To the person who checks FB on their black berry, does it connect you to the souls around you that you forget are speaking to you, while you quickly text a response, simultaneously nodding your head as if you're listening (and I mean REALLY listening) to them (yes, I think we all have been on both sides of this scenario).
If you use Facebook, and NONE of these things apply to you, then I APPLAUD you. YOU use it correctly. I hope to be able to do that someday. But for now, I am content to call the friend I haven't spoken to in a while (instead of thinking that a FB hello substitutes really reaching out). I'm also content to know that, as my husband has calculated, since quitting Facebook last October, I have received approximately 180 HOURS of my life back! That's right, assuming I was on Facebook a collective 1 hour a day...and I was, more or less. 180 hours.
When I wanted to quit FB- they (the powers of the FB phenomenon) make it virtually impossible to quit. They flash you pictures of your friends to tempt you with words written "Are you SURE? Look at what you'll be missing?!" Then you say "YES, I AM SURE!" and they flash you some MORE, saying "are you REALLY sure?" Then, when you think you've finally succeeded in quitting, they tell you, "we'll miss you, if you miss us, all you have to do is simply sign back in and ALL your information will still be here!" Um...no. It took me an entire day to figure out how to really quite Facebook. I might be a little electronically challenged, but that is a bit ridiculous. Then, when I did finally quit, it told me I had 2 weeks to change my mind. TWO WEEKS of trying not to sign in. It was tempting. But I did it! When it was all over, what really confirmed for me that I did the right thing (FOR ME) was that my first instinct was to compose a post explaining how hard it was to quit. I had to laugh out loud! You know its bad when you want to POST on Facebook about how you QUIT Facebook. Yup, it was time for me to go.
I pray that as I deepen in my faith and as I gain more self-control regarding time spent on the internet, I will be able to more properly use modern means of evangelization. But for now, Facebook is not for me. And my family is grateful.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Return from nowhere and everywhere!
After an almost 2 year hiatus from the blogosphere (not that long in the grand scheme of life, right?), I am back! To begin to explain why I haven't posted in so long would take too much space...I don't think there are enough gigabytes. The short summary of it is: I have been living. Living a quiet life of checking in occasionally on some of my personal favorite blogs and sites which I follow, but mostly just living the beautiful, amazing, complicated (and yet simple at the same time) life of learning to focus on the needs of my ever growing family without intentionally drawing attention from the outside world. I take this step back into the blog world hesitantly. I hesitate not because I distrust anyone else, but because I distrust myself. All too easily can my intention lose its purity, and a blog post goes from innocent reflection and sharing, to looking for public justification and approval for the various aspects of my life. To the shame of my vanity, I have decided to blog again...not because I want attention, or approval, or popularity, but because I want to purify my intention even further. To write for the Lord only, and if anyone happens to read along the way I pray that He will use my imperfect life made public on the blog for His glory...somehow, someway (if even only to put myself out on the line so others can see how unworthy and imperfect I am!).
So let me begin this new segment of my blog-life with one specific clarification. I suppose in the past 2 years, hidden outside the blog world, and in trying to live my life "Testifying to Love," all I have really learned is how imperfect I am at testifying to love. I began my motherhood journey with a bang of enthusiasm and apostolic energy to live my vocation as wife, mother, and apostle FULLY. I was going to give myself to the Lord and be His witness to Love in all things. And then...somewhere along the line of having 3 little ones, my husband returning to graduate school while also working full time, the endless laundry, the impending homeschool decisions, and various personal challenges of faith, I have learned that choosing to testify to love is more than just a one-time enthusiastic choice, it is a constant re-commitment.
More on this later. Off to kiss those 3 precious little faces in my midst!
So let me begin this new segment of my blog-life with one specific clarification. I suppose in the past 2 years, hidden outside the blog world, and in trying to live my life "Testifying to Love," all I have really learned is how imperfect I am at testifying to love. I began my motherhood journey with a bang of enthusiasm and apostolic energy to live my vocation as wife, mother, and apostle FULLY. I was going to give myself to the Lord and be His witness to Love in all things. And then...somewhere along the line of having 3 little ones, my husband returning to graduate school while also working full time, the endless laundry, the impending homeschool decisions, and various personal challenges of faith, I have learned that choosing to testify to love is more than just a one-time enthusiastic choice, it is a constant re-commitment.
More on this later. Off to kiss those 3 precious little faces in my midst!
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