I hear you call my name....

How long have you waited for me, Lord? How many times have I turned a blind eye to your Holy presence as I drive past your chapel, knowing you are there, and not really having a good reason not to stop in. Oh, the excuses I come up with. But you are there...waiting for me...hoping that I will turn the wheel and visit with you, if but for a moment.

Today as we were driving on the other side of town, I passed by a Church that I know to have perpetual Adoration. I made a mental note to stop by for a visit on our way home, as we would be returning by the same route. How many times have I made such mental notes? Many. How many times have I followed through? I'm too embarrassed to say. But today, Lord. Today was different. We left our activity on time (on time to avoid an impending rain shower). On the way home, there it was...the turning lane into the Church, and there was no oncoming traffic that I would have to wait for. The kids were happy in the back. It was not raining yet. I had no excuses, and before I could give myself time to create one, I turned into the parking lot. I had no idea where the Adoration chapel was, but you guided me to you. I felt you calling me. I gave up looking for it and just choose a parking spot by a far building. Only after I parked and got all 3 kids out of the car did I see you had brought me right to your chapel. We made a visit with you. Oh, the highlight of my day! You have so much you want to give me. So many graces await. Yet you wait for me to respond to your call before you can shower them upon me. That one little stop today changed me. No excuses will ever suffice.



I have heard you calling my name for a while now. Calling me to bring all of myself to you in the Blessed Sacrament. Calling me to spend only ONE short hour a week with the King of the Universe. But have I come? No. I hear my excuses echoing now. They pain me almost as much as they pain you to hear, Lord. "I need my sleep." "We need our family time." "I have young children, I can't get time away" (but have I tried?). "I have too much to do at home." "I love to stop in, but to commit to one hour every week is just too much."

TOO MUCH? Too much for you who have given EVERYTHING for ME?

Lord how I need your grace. Sustain me, Lord. Don't stop calling me. I have now signed up for my hour. I did not choose the hour. You choose it for me. It happened this way, and I accept it because I know you prescribed it. You know what I need better than I do. 5:00am on Friday mornings, Lord. In the quiet wee hours of the morning, I'll see you there, kids tucked in at home with their father, I will curl up in the lap of my Father. I cannot wait. I know it will get tough. I know I will be tempted to hit the snooze button. I know I will be tempted to get someone else to take my place. But you have chosen ME for that hour, Lord. I can only fulfill my call with your help.

Jesus, My Lord, My God, My All, sustain me with your Holy Eucharist.

Facebook: Is it Really Connecting People?

Facebook's big claim is that they "connect people." I find myself pondering, "does it? I mean, it might make your personal life public, and provide you the opportunity to snoop into everyone else's personal life...but does it really CONNECT people?"

It interesting, I read an article in Business Week the other day (now that my husband is in graduate school we receive this and the Wall Street Journal- both of which I have come to enjoy reading the educated jargon and witty exposes). The primary intention of the article I don't remember, but what struck me was its argument that Facebook's PRIMARY contribution to the evolution of mankind was the science of advertising. They use everything in your profile, everything on your 'wall,' to determine what ads *YOU* would be most likely to click on. Clever, crafty, and quite manipulative. Instead of hiring people that could really use Facebook technology to further the human race (put to good use, say, to find cures for cancer, as the article brought to question), instead, Facebook spends most of its hiring energy and salary awarding looking for people who can manipulate users into clicking on ads.

Anyhow, now that we've established that Facebook's intentions aren't quite as pure as they claim, lets examine my original question. Does it CONNECT people? Facebook provides an opportunity, indeed, to get back in touch with friends, co-workers, acquaintances from your past (it also provides the opportunity to get back in touch with old boyfriends/girlfriends, which you may have seen in some news reports is damaging to marriages- go figure). But EVERYONE is called your "friend!" What is a "friend?" Well, on Facebook, what they call a "friend" is someone who can view your profile, and you can view theirs, can post tidbits of news (or silly games like "Farmville") they want to show you, or its someone who can post bitter responses to your personal posts. A "friend" on FB can be someone you've never met. It can be someone that you have only heard of, or someone you only met once or twice. "Friend" indeed. Well, in the real world, a friend is someone you have a meaningful relationship with. Usually, it is someone you have looked in the eye and spoken with. It is someone who in some way furthers your personal formation and journey to Heaven. On Facebook, however, I feel like its high school all over again. Who says their your friend one day, is "de-friending" you the next. Also, its easy to have 100+ Facebook "friends" but none of them ever grow into real quality friends. You see, Facebook can all to easily take the place of the old fashioned phone call. The simple person to person approach. Rather, its a world where inhibitions are few. People are ever more vocal about their opinions, and "friends" are hurting each other through and through.

Before you think I'm totally anti-Facebook, let's move on. Facebook is a reality of our time. And as a Christian in this current time, I am called to use all the means at my disposal to further Christ's Kingdom! Facebook offers MANY opportunities for evangelization, and also many opportunities for a new kind of charity and restraint. Our beloved Holy Father said this exactly. But he ALSO said that we must be on guard that social networks do NOT take the place of person to person contact. Quality relationships.

All that said, I am currently NOT on Facebook. I used to be. I was for 2 years. I began under the pure intention of wanting to use it to be a witness. To evangelize. But I very quickly got SUCKED in. While I was busy "connecting" with people from my past and present on Facebook, my children sulked, the dishes didn't get done, my house suffered, and my husband endured me constantly excusing myself in our special family moments to go post about it on FB. It didn't take long for me to realize this was a very bad set up for me, and for my family. In reality, it was not connecting me to the people that matter most in my life...the ones right here in my home that I have been entrusted to care for, love, nurture, protect, and serve.

While Facebook claims to connect people, I ask...does it connect you to the little child awaiting your love and attention while you post...and post...and read your FB wall? Does it CONNECT you to quality relationships? Has any friendship on FB actual developed in the real world into a quality friendship (relying on facebook alone)? To the person who checks FB on their black berry, does it connect you to the souls around you that you forget are speaking to you, while you quickly text a response, simultaneously nodding your head as if you're listening (and I mean REALLY listening) to them (yes, I think we all have been on both sides of this scenario).

If you use Facebook, and NONE of these things apply to you, then I APPLAUD you. YOU use it correctly. I hope to be able to do that someday. But for now, I am content to call the friend I haven't spoken to in a while (instead of thinking that a FB hello substitutes really reaching out). I'm also content to know that, as my husband has calculated, since quitting Facebook last October, I have received approximately 180 HOURS of my life back! That's right, assuming I was on Facebook a collective 1 hour a day...and I was, more or less. 180 hours.

When I wanted to quit FB- they (the powers of the FB phenomenon) make it virtually impossible to quit. They flash you pictures of your friends to tempt you with words written "Are you SURE? Look at what you'll be missing?!" Then you say "YES, I AM SURE!" and they flash you some MORE, saying "are you REALLY sure?" Then, when you think you've finally succeeded in quitting, they tell you, "we'll miss you, if you miss us, all you have to do is simply sign back in and ALL your information will still be here!" Um...no. It took me an entire day to figure out how to really quite Facebook. I might be a little electronically challenged, but that is a bit ridiculous. Then, when I did finally quit, it told me I had 2 weeks to change my mind. TWO WEEKS of trying not to sign in. It was tempting. But I did it! When it was all over, what really confirmed for me that I did the right thing (FOR ME) was that my first instinct was to compose a post explaining how hard it was to quit. I had to laugh out loud! You know its bad when you want to POST on Facebook about how you QUIT Facebook. Yup, it was time for me to go.

I pray that as I deepen in my faith and as I gain more self-control regarding time spent on the internet, I will be able to more properly use modern means of evangelization. But for now, Facebook is not for me. And my family is grateful.

Return from nowhere and everywhere!

After an almost 2 year hiatus from the blogosphere (not that long in the grand scheme of life, right?), I am back! To begin to explain why I haven't posted in so long would take too much space...I don't think there are enough gigabytes. The short summary of it is: I have been living. Living a quiet life of checking in occasionally on some of my personal favorite blogs and sites which I follow, but mostly just living the beautiful, amazing, complicated (and yet simple at the same time) life of learning to focus on the needs of my ever growing family without intentionally drawing attention from the outside world. I take this step back into the blog world hesitantly. I hesitate not because I distrust anyone else, but because I distrust myself. All too easily can my intention lose its purity, and a blog post goes from innocent reflection and sharing, to looking for public justification and approval for the various aspects of my life. To the shame of my vanity, I have decided to blog again...not because I want attention, or approval, or popularity, but because I want to purify my intention even further. To write for the Lord only, and if anyone happens to read along the way I pray that He will use my imperfect life made public on the blog for His glory...somehow, someway (if even only to put myself out on the line so others can see how unworthy and imperfect I am!).

So let me begin this new segment of my blog-life with one specific clarification. I suppose in the past 2 years, hidden outside the blog world, and in trying to live my life "Testifying to Love," all I have really learned is how imperfect I am at testifying to love. I began my motherhood journey with a bang of enthusiasm and apostolic energy to live my vocation as wife, mother, and apostle FULLY. I was going to give myself to the Lord and be His witness to Love in all things. And then...somewhere along the line of having 3 little ones, my husband returning to graduate school while also working full time, the endless laundry, the impending homeschool decisions, and various personal challenges of faith, I have learned that choosing to testify to love is more than just a one-time enthusiastic choice, it is a constant re-commitment.

More on this later. Off to kiss those 3 precious little faces in my midst!

The Soul of the Apostolate

For my birthday (a week ago today), my darling husband gave me a freshly bound, leather covered copy of Divine Intimacy, a book of meditations for the Liturgical Year. Who am I that God has graced me with a husband who cares so much about my spiritual life?

Upon unwrapping it, I ran my hand over the smooth level front, and rustled my thumb through the crisp pages. Excited to begin my new meditation material, I searched for the meditation that corresponds with this week in the Liturgical year. Would you know that the recurring theme this week is that of the Apostolate? The soul of the Apostolate is the interior life, a life of prayer an sacrifice for the apostolate is the key to making it fruitful. Here are some excerpts from the past few days:

(Meditation 319) St. Paul, speaking of the work of the apostolate, says: “Dei sumus adjutores” (1 Cor 3,9); we are God’s coadjutors, collaborators with Him.

The apostolate, therefore, is not merely a personal activity…; nor is it an activity which we can carry on according to our own ideas, and much less according to our own powers. Every type of apostolate is a collaboration in the one work of redemption and sanctification which God has been developing through the centuries.


(Meditation 320) Not only at prayer, but in the very exercise of the apostolate, the apostle should strive to keep in contact with God and with the mystery of His love for men, in which he should humbly collaborate. He will seek this contact by an intense practice of faith, which will give him a deeper understanding of the mystery of Redemption and enable him to recognize the fulfillment of this mystery in the various circumstances of life and in every aspect of time. This spirit of faith will help him to make his humble activity a part of the great action of God. In this way, even while making use of human means or when occupied with material affairs, the apostle will live in a supernatural atmosphere. He will never lose sight of the goal of his activity, but will always be very keenly aware that he is collaborating with Christ for the salvation of souls.

Having the “mind of Christ” (Phil 2,5), which means loving and willing in unison with the divine Heart, sharing its immense love for God and souls, is the secret of every apostolate.


(Meditation 321) It follows, therefore, that the more a soul cultivates the interior life, the nearer it will come to God…Who, then, will be better able to understand the great mystery of the Redemption and contribute his share to it, than one who by means of a fervent interior life, lives in intimate friendship with God?

Only friendship with God, and the charity which unites us to Him, can produce that supernatural strength which makes any form of the apostolate effective. The more a soul is united to God, the more it shares in the power of God Himself; and hence, its prayers, sacrifices, and works undertaken for the salvation of souls, are efficacious and attain their end.

(Meditation 325) If prayer does not ascent to the throne of the Most High, grace will not be granted. This explains the absolute necessity for apostolic prayer and its great efficacy….Our activity, our words and works can prepare the ground for grace, but if we do not pray, it will not come down to refresh our souls.

“Ask and you shall receive….” (Lk 18,1). We can never be certain that our prayers will be answered according to our expectation…but when it is a question of apostolic prayer which asks for grace and the salvation of souls, it is a very different matter. In fact, when we pray for the aims of the apostolate, we are fitting into the plan prearranged by God Himself from all eternity, that plan for the salvation of all men which God desires to put into action infinitely more than we do; therefore, we cannot doubt the efficacy of our prayer. Because of this effectiveness, apostolic prayer is one of the most powerful means of furthering the apostolate.

How fruitful these contemplations have been for me. The Lord has slowly, carefully, and painfully been forming me a heart like his, that desires nothing more than the salvation of others. If I truly love my neighbor, then I would unceasingly die a thousand deaths if only to save that one soul, regardless of whatever sanctification it might bring me. The purity of intention is the salvation of the other. Just chew on that for a minute. Isn't that amazing? Sure I desire sanctification, but to act solely based on the needs of another, out of love for their soul and out of a desire for them to be united to Christ, without thinking of the good such efforts brings me is taking things a step farther.

And how easy it is to become so wrapped up in the human, material, and logistical plans that are required for carrying out an apostolate! I can't tell you how many times I have all my ducks in a row and then something happens to mix things up a bit, sending my human tendancies into a furry of emotion, damage control, and stress. But that is not what the Lord wills in those moments. No, those are but moments to further sancfify the apostolate. Above it is quoted that we should be in intimate union with God, fostered through a deep and rich interior life, in such a way that "even while making use of human means or when occupied with material affairs, the apostle will live in a supernatural atmosphere." Therefore, the soul of the Apostolate is prayer. Without it, I can be certain my human qualities will fall short.

Lord, I offer you on this day all I have, all my humble and imperfect efforts at apostolate, and the salvation of souls. I am nothing without you, Lord. You created me and you created every soul with the potential for your grace. Send your grace, Lord. Send it abundantly. Today, help me to see every waking moment as an opportunity for apostolate, sactifying every duty and every human interaction I make.

Lillian Travis: A Testimony to Love

Last Tuesday night, at the age of 97, my Great-Grandmother passed away peacefully. She is pictured above in the blue dress 1st with all the Women and children on that side of the family, and then 2nd with my Granny, my mother, myself, and my first daughter about a year and a half ago.

I cannot describe the emptiness that I feel in my heart, but any of you who have experienced the death of a loved one in your lifetime knows what I am talking about. It is a feeling of emptiness, of loneliness, because that loved one is no longer present on this earth. I feel deep gratitude to my Father and Creator for blessing me with a living Great-Grandmother for all these years. She was a bright, baby-blue eyed woman with a fiery sense of humor, a peaceful whit, and a knack for winning Canasta. When I was a small child, I played many a game of checkers with her. "I CHALLENGE you to a game of Checkers, Jessica," she would say. "I'm going to CLOBBER you!" I have three gifts that she gave me when I was a child. My room was the designated guest room when she would visit my family, and she never left without a gift of gratitude on a nicely made and pressed bed spread. The first that she left me was a hard-cover classic version of Anne of Green Gables, and the second was the book Kim. One time she left me a tiny pin cushion outlined with lace. I still have all these things today, and am saving them for my daughters someday.

Great-Granny was a peaceful woman, and I would often catch her sitting quietly on the couch starring out the window, as if to reflect on life and love. And I could tell that nothing gave her greater joy in her old age than to sit and observe, as if a fly on the wall, her great-grand children's children playing nearby. She was a contemplative woman. Once she said to me that she loved when her flight would be delayed. When I shot her a quizzical look, wondering why anyone would be happy about a flight being delayed, she explained, "Haven't you ever just people watched? I just love to people watch. The Airport is the best place for that. I just sit and wonder where each one is going, what their story is, and who they are."

And I cannot conclude without mentioning the laughing attacks that I know she passed to my mother's mother, my mother, her sisters, and myself. When something tickled her humor just the right way, she would laugh, deeply, breathlessly, eyes welling up with tears of emmense and uncontrollable laughter- even if no one else was laughing! We call it the laughing attack. It is contagious, but it can only come from a soul that is deeply rooted in a love for life.

But above all the checkers and card games, above all the peaceful chats, above the little gifts she left for me, and the laughing attacks, I will always remember the love she had in her eyes for each family member. Her blue eyes had a depth to them. A depth that spoke without words. I am reminded of something that St. Francis of Assisi once said: "Preach the Gospel at all times, and if necessary use words."

This, my friends, is what it means to testify to love. Sure, some of it has to do with what words we say, but that's not the bottom line. It has to be in our heart. And if love is truly in our hearts, then words will rarely be necessary.

These are my thoughts for today, as I pack my bags to visit my Great-Grandmother's home one last time, and to show my respect and gratitude to God for her long and fruitful life.

Lord, may the soul of your faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace...and may we always remember that we are walking testimonies of your love in all that we think, in all that we say, and in all that we do, and may I grow to live, to laugh, and to love as deeply as Lillian Travis did. Amen.

How Does Your Garden Grow? Thoughts on Learning in Every Day Life

My Little Gardener

Real Learning is that which occurs in every day life, with every day experiences and everyday opportunities. LIFE is my family's classroom; it is my curriculum.

Above, my oldest can be seen tending to her garden...a humble garden of a few tomato plants, lettuce, and some corn. She can also be seen tending to our new plum tree. Gardening has offered us the opportunity to discover together the beauty of God's creation! She has also learned that hard work and gentle, loving care produces a fruitful harvest. I can't tell you how many times she has discovered an interesting bug when tending to the garden that she crouches to observe for quite some time before running inside to ask me to look it up on the internet or go to the library to borrow books about that particular species. It is moments like these when I am edified in mine and my husband's decision to raise our kids with an attitude of "LIFE is school" instead of "school is something you have to do at certain times of the day." After all, God has instilled in each precious human creation the natural drive and desire to seek higher knowledge. Doesn't it make sense to trust this, nurture it, provide opportunities to practice it and develop it, instead of squashing it with such lines as "no, honey, we're not learning about that type of bug THIS year...that's in next year's syllabus?"

Some people call this approach "unschooling," which by the very meaning of the word I find unfit. I do not call it "homeschooling," or "unschooling," or "relaxed homeschooling," or whatever label one may be inclined to give it. Rather, it is LIFE. And it is in this lifestyle that we give highest priority to loving and serving God and each other, encouraging our children's intense and natural curiosity about the world and God's creation. I dislike using the term "unschooling" for that reason, but also because of the stigma it tends to create. Often, when people hear that term, especially faithful Catholics, they cringe...afterall the education of our children is paramount is it not? I agree that it is! But many assume that "no school" means no rules, no boundaries, no order, and no discipline. I know, I used to be one of these people with such misconceptions.

On the contrary, we have order, we have boundaries (such as those that pertain to safety or respect of others), we have rules, we have structure, or routine, for many things, (ie: saying the Rosary as a family), but just not for "school." Another concern of many people is that children "will not learn to follow through from start to finish with a task unless it is required of them." I disagree. Our children learn to "follow through" with activities because they see us following through with an activity from start to finish (like the time my oldest helped her daddy make a wooden desk in our garage, or helped me to sew a baby carrier with my sewing machine, or when my kids help me follow a recipe to create a yummy treat). There are many opportunities within our everyday life in which to achieve real learning.

As I do with many things, I did (and continue to) discern these philosophies with careful prayer and research, looking to the Mother Church and the Holy Spirit for guidance. I did speak with a Catholic priest, my spiritual director, about my ideas and my hesitations with putting so much trust in my child's learning, and I have read writings of several Popes on the education of children in a Catholic home (both of which actually confirmed my inclinations and drove me into further adoption of this approach). And this discernment will continue every step along the way of my parenting journey, and as always I am open to the Holy Spirit to guide me otherwise, but one thing will never change: that I want my children to have a LOVE for learning, a DESIRE to fulfill God's will (by working hard, serving well, and learning what He needs them to learn to best develop their talents), and to understand that, in the words of Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, "God does not expect us to be successful, but to be faithful."

The Catholic Church places on each parent the right to make informed decisions about their child's education, and so I place no judgement whatsoever on other people's schooling choices. Not every approach is for every family. This is just ours, and let me tell you it is a VERY exciting adventure that I never thought I would embark on...and its just beginning!

It is certain I will write more about this in the future...but for now, I have already written far more than I intended. I guess I just got excited to share my thoughts with you! I appreciate and welcome your feedback. I also did not do a good job this time of supporting my claims with valid sources. I do have it all- and can supply that in the future. For now, the children are finished with their lunches and we are all ready for some quiet time!

In the meantime, you can check on "Homeschooling with Gentleness: A Catholic discovers Unschooling," or click this link to find out more about Catholic Unschooling with the author of the book, Suzie Andres.

Building our Domestic Church

Happy Feast of St. Benedict!

I have been pondering lately the idea that we, the Catholic Family, are the Domestic Church, and what I can do, as the heart of my home to build the domestic church that is our family. It is meditating on this that has led me to discover the whole new world (new to me anyway) of living the Liturgical year as a family.

Living the Liturgical year is not a habit of mine, aside from attending Mass on Sundays and whenever I can during the week. My daily meditations sometimes, but not often correspond with the liturgical year's readings. The intention to live in unison with the Mother Church is there, but distractions tend to arise and before I know it another season has gone by in which I did not celebrate it as I would have liked to. In the past couple years, we have made some successes that have been small yet significant to our family. The two most significant ones being:1) the formation of our own family "alter"- or place of central prayer throughout the day- a place to remind us of Christ's presence in our family; and 2) the practice of celebrating each child's Baptismal anniversary on which they get to wear a crown as princesses of God and we have a special dessert with a religious gift of some kind. I don't have any sons yet, so I have not had to come up with a male alternative to the jeweled crowns. That is for another day.

My desires, though, are to as a family more deeply experience the celebrations of the Holy Mother Church. And so, today I have set the following goals:

1) To set up our domestic Church at home, uncluttered (both physically and metaphorically speaking), and Christ-centered- a task in and of itself a major one!
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2) To discuss each Sunday's readings as a family at the breakfast table. I'd say we could do this on the way to Mass, but my loving husband has very consistently been designating that time for Family Rosary each Sunday.
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3) To celebrate the feast days of our family's patron saints (each child's patron saint, and any saint of particular personal significance to us...for example, we have a miscarried soul in Heaven named after Saints Franciso and Chiara of Assisi).
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4) To live the seasons of Advent and Lent more fully than in the past. This means going above and beyond the lighting of our Family Advent wreath with songs and prayers each night- a good practice, and a simple start for us, but each year we should be stretching ourselves farther.
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5) In light of this Year of the Priest, as declared by the Holy Father, to seek to obtain a plenary indulgence each 3rd Thursday of the month with confession, Mass, rosary, and discussing with my kids one saint that was a priest, the importance of the priesthood, pray for a specific priest each time, and make a special card for that priest with my children.
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6) To give special importance to the Feast days of the Blessed Virgin Mary, celebrating them in our home with prayers, songs, crafts, and a procession to our backyard Mary Grotto.
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7) To live the Feast of Christ the King with special prayers, song, and a procession with our Head of Christ picture.
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8) To remember that the Catholic Church is One, Holy, Catholic (universal) and Apostolic, and so should our family be all four. It is important that I don't get so wrapped up in living just inside our family that I turn a blind eye to the Apostolic needs in the outside world. What sort of Domestic Church would be be if we did not model the Mother Church's Apostolic nature? I could write more about this, but I will save that for another time, but in short I will continue to strive for a deeper love and generosity in responding to needs outside my home, and involve the whole family, remembering that to be Apostolic is an important pillar of our Domestic Church.

These are simple stepping stones for me in trying each year to live the Liturgical year in our Domestic Church, but they are lofty at the same time. I'm trying to be realistic, but if I start too simply, where's the growth if I'm not being challenged? I hope to keep you in tuned and updated with how this progresses over the course of the year.

Today I came across a book: called Simplifying your Domestic Church. I am ordering it this week, and will report on its success, which depends mostly on me, in organizing, de-cluttering (in more ways than one), and perfecting my Domestic Church.

If you have any thoughts, suggestions, or insights on how to build the Domestic Church and/or on how to live the Liturgical year as a family, I welcome your comments!

Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ!